Holidays

For the holidays, I kept busy with work (oh so many deadlines), holiday shopping and such.  I even added people to my list.

In place of my (finally admitting it) narcasstic ex bf, I did an Angel Wish Tree child.  So the money went to good use and it reminded me how much I really want to have children (if I get married) some day.  I know it's weird. But buying that child toys and clothes, reminded me how much I really wanted to get married and have a family. 

He was NEVER going to give that to me.  One of my fears was that I would get old and alone and never have the things I wished.  

THAT shouldn't be my fear when I am in a relationship with someone should it?  Even with him, that was my fear. I am an idiot.  When I felt it was over, I should have JUST ended it.  That part is on me.  Always will be.  But the manipulating me to stay with him because we loved each other- even with no future.  That will always be on him.  My feelings weren't someone's playground.

Even still... I realized I am truly better off without him.  I have even lost weight since he is no longer in my life and healthier than I usually am.  I am happier more often, making more friends at work and being open and social. I even received Christmas gifts from people I did not expect.  I have more hobbies, helped more people, rekindled old friendships... but today (my first free day), why am I thinking of him? 

It's not like he even liked the Holidays.  He always called them a Capitalist/Retailer's overhyped Holiday to make you spend money.  Goodness, he never even gave me a decent Christmas gift in 12 years.  So why is he creeping back into my head?