Holiday Madness

It's that time of the year again.  I understand people have setbacks all the time and in AA you are told that you WILL fall off the wagon.  The question is what do you do after you fall?  Earlier last week, my husband fell off the wagon for a day.  I did everything the way our therapist suggested.  I didn't fly off the handle or make a big deal of it.  And this sounds terrible but he only drank beer which he can kinda tolerate more than the hard stuff he was drinking.  He apologized.  Called his friends to ask for support, (which they gave) and he went straight to a meeting the next day.  So even he did everything right.  I guess I was fooling myself into thinking it was okay.  We went to therapy, talked about it and I actually told him how proud I was how he handled everything. 

Now on top of all this, a little back story.  In therapy we kinda came to the conclusion that I have anger management issues.  In the fact that I keep everything bottled up and this anger has no place to go.  My husband seems to be able to channel his in projects around the house or using the exercise equipment or whatever.  I just eat, watch tv and go to bed.  We talk about making a safe space somewhere in the house that we can use to talk about tough subjects, so that we aren't just doing it in therapy.  And the big take away is that I still after all this time walk on eggshells around him.  That I don't like confrontation.  And yes all of this is very true.

So we agreed to work on all of the above.  The therapy sessions have kinda shifted from his problems to mine and my issues.  I didn't like the shift but it does have to be addressed.  I don't deny any of it.  But now we come to this week...

This is where my anger takes hold, but I'm also scared.   I don't like feeling this way.  Work has been exceedingly stressful.  The holidays in retail are never easy and the bosses only add to that stress.  So needless to say, I'm working like a dog.  Constantly running around, etc.  And by the time I get home it's cold and dark and I'm hungry and tired.  Almost every day my husband has his friends over to play games.  This is one of the few things that keeps him stable and able to handle his stress.  It doesn't always work but 9 out of 10 times it does.  Of course this also doesn't help him and I as there's no time to bond, or talk through the day's events.  That sort of thing.  Heck maybe he's even just tired of hearing my crap, I don't know.  

But then it's the days that they don't come over, that he's alone until I get home.  And then when I do get home we could connect that way, but it doesn't seem to happen.  It also seems that these are the days that he slips.  Sometimes I wonder if its me?  Maybe I don't make him happy?  Maybe I drive him to drink or stir up his depression.  I know that's silly to say and in my heart I know that's not true, but the thought is there, lurking in the background.  Did I do this to him?  Do I put to much pressure on him to stay sober?  Do I work too much and neglect him?  Do I ask too much for him around the house as far as repairs, buying new things, bills and the big white elephant, taking care of my mom all day.  He never asked for that.  I shouldn't expect that of him, right?  He has his own mother why should I burden him with mine?

But the thing is, I didn't ask for any of this either.  I wasn't ready to have my mom come live with us.  We were working on our relationship and now I'm saddled with her.  That's not healthy for us.  It drives a wedge between us.  I can tell.  He's nice about it and caters to her hand and foot but it's too much stress for him.  It's got to be.  But the thing is I don't know what to do?  She's not so feeble or out of touch with reality.  She's recovering from a stroke.  Yes, she gets lazy and childish at times, but she's still the same women with the same faculties so I can't even think about putting her away somewhere.  In time that will eventually be something I have to do, but I can't find it in my heart nor do I see a need for that at this point in time.  But where else is she going to go?  So I'm stuck.  It's not fair, life isn't fair.  I know that.  But he's got so many problems: depression, anxiety, addiction.  Am I contributing to all this?  I don't know anymore.

So in trying to follow my therapist's instructions, I tried to take him to the safe space we decided on to talk, but he didn't want to go.  He said no and walked away.  So now I'm confused.  You tell me I need to talk, to be vocal when I'm hurt and angry.  To make this space so we can talk things out, but he says no and now what?  It just stops there?

The sad thing is, earlier this week, Tuesday morning, I had a bad moment in the shower.  I cried a little and didn't want to go to work I felt like I couldn't pull myself together to go.  I decided to call in sick.  But then I finished my shower got cleaned up and dressed right away and before I could think on it went to work.  Later he called me and asked how I was doing and I told him I wasn't doing well.  I was having a bad day coping.  We talked a little more and I came home to him drinking.  His mom was giving him guilt trips and his other friends have problems he's helpless to solve.  He's upset and can't handle the stress.

The problem is, I'm the strong one and I couldn't stay strong that day.  I needed to break down for a bit.  Was he there to support me?  No, instead he turned it around on himself.  I pulled myself together went to work in a stress filled enviornment, somehow made it work and then came home to him drunk and upset.  Really?  I can't have 1 day off?  I can't have time to just break and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay?  Or just hold my hand and tell me I'm gonna be fine?  No.  I don't get any of that.  I have no friends, no one to really unload to.  So in therapy him and the therapist come up with all these things I should do.  Then I do them and what?  NOTHING!  I big zero.  No one seems to have my back but me.  And it's upsetting and makes me want to cry.

Then I thought things were better the next day.  Oh the lies I seem to be able to tell myself.  I had to take my mom to see a radiologist, to determine whether she'd need radiation treatment after her breast surgery.  I forgot to add that I was also scared for that appointment.  I know he was too.  Radiation?  Ugh, it would be difficult and who knows where that would have led.  In the end, she's okay and won't need to have it.  So dodged that bullet.  But again, I'm not allowed to have time to be afraid and worry.

So now it's Tuesday.  No friends today and he made a great dinner.  When I talked to him on the phone I could hear he was drinking,  I was hoping I was wrong.  I came home tired but he had dinner ready and we had a nice dinner.  Then we watched sitcomes together for a while as a family.  It was nice, but it was just a smoke screen.  I heard the cans being popped open in his office.  Eventually when he left his seat I went and found them and confronted him.  Okay now, if we're all paying attention I'm supposed to express my feelings and relay how I'm feeling.  So I confront and I show him I'm upset.  Any guesses what happens next?  He gets upset and offended.  He starts to get an attitude so I do what I always do.  I backed down.  Not sure how much he's had, don't want him driving away.  But now I'm scared, upset and angry.  What do I do?  Therapy bullshit if you ask me.  So I get the laundry.  Seperate and do a load.  I come back up to find him in the shower.  I ask him if he wants me to wash his clothes he just took off.  He says no with an attitude so I know he's mad.  Remember kids, he gets ot be mad but I can't.  Yet I'm told I should and he agrees in therapy.  Then he comes out, dresses and asks if I want him to leave.  I say no.  But now I'm having flashbacks to when he was dealing with his depression.  His M.O. is to run away.  I don't want another replay of past events.  See...walking on eggshells.

As I type this I keep hearing the cans being popped open.  Just how many does he have?  We can't buy creamer or toilet paper or at least notice when we need these things but we can go buy beer and have a nice supply.  It's not even 11 p.m. yet and I don't know what's going to happen.  Is he going to eventually get so tired and pass out or is he going to get angry and something is going to happen tonight?  And now what happens tomorrow?  My last day off before Christmas.  I guess I'm not allowed to decompress.  

Fucking bullshit therapy.  It seems like it's all a lie right now.  Talk about how you feel, express your anger.  Tell him what's on your mind.  Okay now what?  Fuck this.  Now he's trying to make up for it.  Just came in here to tell me about something I wanted for Christmas.  Now he's going to try and make it happen because he's feeling guilty.  Oh he's mad at me again, so let's throw money at him.  Really?  I'm not in this relationship because I want his money.  I do love the guy and the man I know that's buried deep down inside the guy I fell in love with.  Where did he go?  Will I ever see him again?  

Meanwhile everyone else is making demands on him.  His mother, his friend in Texas, his friends that have addiction problems.  My mother and my situation is only adding more fuel to the fire.  But that's just how it goes I get put last.  I'm on the bottom.  You know this is my first Christmas without my uncle and the first time we're entering a new phase in our lives.  No more Christmas Eve party.  No more relatives coming and enjoying each other's company.  Now we're alone and it just shows us how much more alone we are.  I don't like this feeling.

Is it me?  I feel its me.  Maybe its because it was another night alone with me and mom.  Maybe he can't cope with us.  He needs his friends as a distraction.  But this doesn't bode well for our future.  We are pretty much alone and it seems we're going to only have each other soon.  Then what happens?  He gets the booze and I get nothing?  And we just go on like that?  Wow that makes me feel better.  God I hate journaling.  

I get it, this time of year sucks.  It really does and every year it gets worse.  I barely got the tree up and a few decorations.  That's it, I'm not putting in any more effort, I'm only going to take it down in a few weeks.  I used to love this time of year.  Now I hate it.  I never thought I'd say that, I'm looking at what I just wrote and shaking my head.  I'm scared and angry right now.  I'm also tired.  I should go to bed and hopefully fall asleep.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I just have to get through tonight with no incidents.  Wish me luck.  I'll journal some more tomorrow, I got to get back into doing this regularly.