Hoagie is gone

Dear Hoagie-I cannot believe this day has come, with you being 9 years young, that I needed to make this heartbreaking decision to release you.  Your poor body has failed you and I know you would not want to continue to live with this failing body.  You have loved life so much that I think you’d remain here with us forever if you could.  You have been such a happy boy…. even these days when your body has betrayed and imprisoned you, you are still managing to purr.  There are many lessons to be learned from that example. I will never, ever forget you or stop loving you.  My heart screams inside right now at the thought of losing you.  What will we do without our Geetsie Doodles?  Your goofy antics, as K called them, have been such a source of joy and laughter for all.  Remember the time you heard the mice running through the ceiling and you dove at the upper corner of the living room, bringing down the string of lights and nearly impaling yourself on the beerstein?  And remember how you would always get stuck on the roof, during the days when I used to let you out?  You’d cry piteously until one of us opened the window to let you in.  Another time, when you got stuck, I had to pry you off where the roof dips the lowest.  It was then that I realized that you truly were afraid of heights.  You clung to me for a few seconds afterwards; then, when you realized I had a good hold of you, you set your face ever so gently against mine, as if to say “Thank you for rescuing me”.When I first fell in love with you, though, was well before that…the night I brought you home, in fact.  I saw your little pink nose through one of the holes of the carrier and thought to myself that I would love you, that I could have a good connection with you.  My intuition proved right.  You are so awesome.  That nose of yours, with its “booger tattoo”, became the source of much speculation among us.  Chris joked that you had a “mood nose”.  We’d also joke about your “add-on tail”!I also very fondly remember the first time I heard you purr.  It was about 1:30am, the 2nd or 3rd night you were with me.  I’d put ingredients into the bread machine to produce a nice, fresh loaf of bread for myself for the morning.  The beeping must have woken me up, because I couldn’t help myself and headed downstairs for a slice right out of the machine.  And then, suddenly, there you were at my feet, purring for all you were worth!!  I couldn’t believe how loudly you were purring, after being silent for those few days except for a few meows.  And those meows were more like meowooooos.  I think that was our first true bonding experience.More things I remember: how you were scooting around the corner of the porch with your hind feet on the ground and your paws on the railing.  That was the only time you did that and it was just so curious and funny, just like you.  Another time I remember walking back to the house from the hammock, hearing a swishing noise and then looking down to see you walking right next to me, your belly swinging away and brushing against the grass.  You did the same thing that time Rocco got stuck in the tree: you walked along beside him when he got down as if to make sure he was ok.I am so angry at the cancer for taking you from us before you are even physically gone.  It has already taken so many things from you, those things that make you The Stogie.  But I will not let it cloud those wonderful memories.  I will instead separate them and honor more of them on their own right now.  There are so many things that I love so much about you that will break my heart for a little while each time I think of them, a big one being your head-butts.  They got me up and going on many a morning when I didn’t want to get out of bed.  What you didn’t realize was: if I didn’t have to work for a living, I would have stayed home with you to let you head-butt me all day!  I felt especially loved when you would give me those “jump-up bumps”, as V has called them.  You were going the extra mile to ensure that I knew you loved me.Another big thing I already miss and will continue to miss will be your habit of sleeping on my feet.  Newman is doing his level best to fill your shoes in that regard but IT’S NOT THE SAME, no offense to Newman.  I want my Moosie Muffin Man to be the one to lie on my feet.  There was something so comforting about it, especially after Mom died.  I felt like I would explode off the world at any given point during those initial difficult days and there were days when only when you’d lie on my feet would I calm down.  The last time you laid on my feet and I moved to get up in the morning, you put your paw over my foot as if to stop me from getting up.  I can’t remember if I lingered a few moments with you…I hope I did.  I hope I have been a good Mommy to you. I hope I have loved you as much as you have deserved.  I hope I have done right by you.  And, Oh God, I hope the decision to release you at this point will be the right one!My heart is breaking and I know that I will feel lost without you.  You have brought me so much joy.  All of those things you did: kneading on the bed while purring your heart out, putting your paw over your eyes when the sun was too bright while you would be taking one of your 16 daily naps, running to the door to rub my legs when I got home from work, looking up at me with those half-lidded eyes to tell me that you wanted me to kiss your face.  I’d give anything for more chances to kiss your face.  Your face, your adorable, beautiful, welcoming me home face…what will I do without it?  What will I do without YOU, without My Stoge?????Will you visit me to let me know that you have arrived at the Rainbow Bridge?  I know without a doubt that you will go there, because you’re such a good boy.  Goodbye, my love, my big guy, my little boy.  Oh, I will miss you.  There seems to be no end to these tears.  I love you.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!Love, Mama