hmmm, freedom for the weekend

The teens are gone, sis has the baby, SO is not here this weekend so I'm all alone for the whole weekend.... what will I do. It's so frustrating; I want freedom, crave freedom and then when I get a couple days I'm lost. I know by this time tomorrow I'll be sad and lonely - that's just the way it goes. Tonight I am having a glass of wine and surfing the net... talked to SO for about an hour on the phone, we'll talk again before bed. I did a couple lessons of my French course so I might go back to that for a bit yet tonight. I have lots of ideas and a list of things I can do to keep busy and actually enjoy my time by myself but I think I just can't be satisfied. Also I know its only for two days so there's no use getting too comfortable being alone. If the kids were moved out on their own I wouldn't be here at all... I wouldn't be living her or working at the job I have now; I'd move closer to SO and get a job there. I'm not made to be alone and SO says the same thing himself.... we know we'll be together someday but right now I have a big responsibility here and we both know it. But back to this weekend; I need to focus on myself and make sure I enjoy myself, find some peace and tranquility, do some things I've been wanting to do for a long time and get refreshed for the week to come. I'm trying to think positive, trying, trying so hard.



It didn\'t work so well, by Saturday evening about 10 I had enough. I was getting tired, I was lonely and bored and that is never good in my warped mind. I tried to call M but his line was busy for about 20 minutes from when I first tried, that just tortured me... who was he talking to? When I got through I never mentioned the busy line and he never mentioned that he had been talking to anyone; probably one of his \'friend girls\'.

This morning was awful. layed in bed for hours with my mind spinning with horrible thoughts. I just wish this would stop. I think I\'ve forgotten to take my pills a few times lately, must be what\'s going on... that and being alone is not a good combination.