Hmm

I feel odd. I just got off the call with my therapist where we discussed everything and she told me she felt I was being open and honest for the first time since we started. That and the idd interactions I've had the last couple days, relationship, school stress, starting to draw and be creative again, instagram, game, personal health habits, thinking about the future and what I want out of life and what fits for me, it has been a doozy, a lot of things on my plate. I'm realizing it's normal as a part of growing up and becoming an adult. The non normal part of course is the pandemic, which is a really convenient "fuck you" from God to the class of 2020 who get to spend their first year of adulthood like this. 

My therapist said something that stuck with me. Whether I want to or not, I will deal with this. I've already decided it's the best option for me and there is no way out, so I definitely will go through with this. The only thing now is deciding how, because there is no right way. I've been so fixated on the idea of the right way. And I defined the right way as the way I knew was best for me. Like processing things, always taking care of myself on the dot, all of these good habits. But I could not achieve this right way with the snap of a finger and I felt pressure from myself to do these things that were good for me, making me ultimately feel stressed and like I didn't want to do them. So thinking again in that sense, the right way was not the right way. And There is no right way, just the way that fits best, and that always changes and new discoveries come all the time. 

So I iust want to continue what I'm doing now, learninn to talk to people. She said that I am already mature in that I'm admitting that something is wrong and in knowing what to do, and everything will fall into place from there. That's a nice way of looking at it. I always seem to get stuck on the doing part, though I think Im an expert on the thinking knowing and understanding what to do part.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. Mornings are special, spend them on that which matter most. Cheesy quotes that I'm resonating with at the moment.

So what is my resolution, what do I do?

Health is most important. Grades aren't as important right now. Socializing is good. Learning how to be social is good. 

 I find that when writing to an audience  it's easier to say what I need to. That's why it's difficult to think about these things on my own. Processing things. I default to drowning them out. I probably will not post this because it's nonsensical if you're not me and people will probably get the wrong impression. 

I haven't been here a long time though so I will