hitting a wall but keeping self responsible

I was going to write Nikki a message but I might as well say it here.

When I went to the Christmas concert last night, at first it was hard to believe in myself

while wandering alone in the crowd at the church. Hard to believe that my experience

was important and ok to have - but I decided to just believe in myself.
Well today I started thinking again in those terms - to believe in myself - and where Nikki comes in is

that she always seems to have a great sense of how to plan and go for special jaunts around the city 

where she lives...it's inspiring me to do the same for myself - at one time I never thought about it - but

would very often plan and do things like that, before I got sick - I suppose I just didn't appreciate the

spontaneity and resources it took to do it - I was always game -

So I started thinking in those terms today after my morning of deliveries - and tried to just believe in myself

enough - and yet then my mind started failing me - in the sense that I just started to feel so weak -

so mentally unstable -semi conscious - it was so sobering -

I need to continue to be self responsible - I thought - and so that inspires me to look at what I have done in a health positive

way - maybe I need to take care of my feelings and my stress with consideration - and not just denial

that I can do whatever I please at all times (in the sense that I don't have to consider my mental/emotional

health too because now I realize I must.)

I remember when I lived in a "Board & Care" I would still try and leave the house - I found work - and also planned

outtings - while the majority of the residents would just sit in the living room and watch tv and do nothing.

It was a really sad and sick thing to me - they weren't living -  

Today however I am realizing that they couldn't do anything else...tragic - 

I will still try and keep active and self responsible - and for those who can't do

either it's a real shame - 

Just keep on keeping on.