Highs/Lows...too many lows
Well starting on a high note...I had fun tonight at a country bar where everyone seemed to have smiles and laughter going on- made me feel better watching the young people have a good, clean fun time...no fights, problems, nothing; just happiness all around me.
physically feeling like crap; my back is caved in as if i have one huge ass crack up to the top of my spine...it spasms and locks into place and is painful; especially when the botox wears off which it has. so i got my shots and all i feel for the first 2 weeks are migraines, earaches/and what feels like swollen glands. fortunately, those symptoms have dissipated, but my back is still locked into being caved in. I ask all the time what the fuck did this doctor do to me in surgery that resulted in this condition? My answer to myself...he was practicing medicine...on me.
my oldest son graduated in December 2013 and has been looking for a job/career since Oct. and has still not found anything...over 400 applications and several interviews but no offers. He really thought he had this one job that he was planning for most of his life and the interview went amazing...but another candidates parent worked in the company so that was that...it was a done deal before even going for the interview...bologna...just protocol i guess but such a waste of time, energy, money (that we don't have). I also was looking for part-time something but when I am in so much damn pain at times, who's gonna hire me...maybe a Walmart greeter but I'm so humiliated by the thought I can't bring myself to send in an application.
Growing up was very very dysfunctional...in todays world, kids would have been put in foster care and parents locked up- hospital and/or jail. So I made a life for myself and luckily pulled away from that insanity-got to know my father (not a bad guy, just very quirky). He too is mental just different illnesses than the rest of the family. So, he had problems and I allowed him to move in w/me and my family...only to find out that when I got bit by the snake, I shouldn't have been surprised since I allowed the snake into my home in the first place. So I stopped talking to him and told him to have a nice life but to leave me alone. So w/ all this bullshit and craziness going on, he calls me today in tears, how he's allowed himself to be bullied and taken advantaged of and all this stuff...So I ask myself...if I moved out at 15 and could make a "life for myself: then why would I allow this crazy shit back into my life at 46 and worse yet allow it to come near my children? You know? Writing a journal actually does help because the brain storm of an answer just came to me...I'm not going to-I am staying strong and away from all of it...thank you...thank you for listening to me babble..but I feel so much better
my husband is off next week (not great-forced to take vacation) but it's not a vacation because we don't have a penny to do a darn thing...so he sits around the house watching tv- whoopie!! great vacation. Plus, I feel like a fat-shit; never in my life did ever think I could weigh 170- not even w/ full term pregnancy i only got up to 152 pounds. so being high my husband got vacation time...depressed as hell we can't do anything and I look like crap and feel worse than it. I really hope when I hit my 50's things will be different because as much as the 40's are supposed to be a nice time in life...it's not going that well for me and my family.
ok...so that's it for now...
physically feeling like crap; my back is caved in as if i have one huge ass crack up to the top of my spine...it spasms and locks into place and is painful; especially when the botox wears off which it has. so i got my shots and all i feel for the first 2 weeks are migraines, earaches/and what feels like swollen glands. fortunately, those symptoms have dissipated, but my back is still locked into being caved in. I ask all the time what the fuck did this doctor do to me in surgery that resulted in this condition? My answer to myself...he was practicing medicine...on me.
my oldest son graduated in December 2013 and has been looking for a job/career since Oct. and has still not found anything...over 400 applications and several interviews but no offers. He really thought he had this one job that he was planning for most of his life and the interview went amazing...but another candidates parent worked in the company so that was that...it was a done deal before even going for the interview...bologna...just protocol i guess but such a waste of time, energy, money (that we don't have). I also was looking for part-time something but when I am in so much damn pain at times, who's gonna hire me...maybe a Walmart greeter but I'm so humiliated by the thought I can't bring myself to send in an application.
Growing up was very very dysfunctional...in todays world, kids would have been put in foster care and parents locked up- hospital and/or jail. So I made a life for myself and luckily pulled away from that insanity-got to know my father (not a bad guy, just very quirky). He too is mental just different illnesses than the rest of the family. So, he had problems and I allowed him to move in w/me and my family...only to find out that when I got bit by the snake, I shouldn't have been surprised since I allowed the snake into my home in the first place. So I stopped talking to him and told him to have a nice life but to leave me alone. So w/ all this bullshit and craziness going on, he calls me today in tears, how he's allowed himself to be bullied and taken advantaged of and all this stuff...So I ask myself...if I moved out at 15 and could make a "life for myself: then why would I allow this crazy shit back into my life at 46 and worse yet allow it to come near my children? You know? Writing a journal actually does help because the brain storm of an answer just came to me...I'm not going to-I am staying strong and away from all of it...thank you...thank you for listening to me babble..but I feel so much better
my husband is off next week (not great-forced to take vacation) but it's not a vacation because we don't have a penny to do a darn thing...so he sits around the house watching tv- whoopie!! great vacation. Plus, I feel like a fat-shit; never in my life did ever think I could weigh 170- not even w/ full term pregnancy i only got up to 152 pounds. so being high my husband got vacation time...depressed as hell we can't do anything and I look like crap and feel worse than it. I really hope when I hit my 50's things will be different because as much as the 40's are supposed to be a nice time in life...it's not going that well for me and my family.
ok...so that's it for now...
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