highs and lows

I've started my vacation, today was my last day at work.

I came home and had an appointment with the Psychiatrist

at the clinic (online) and then another appointment with my 

Therapist (online as well.)

They were good meetings. Positive, upbeat and productive.

I was really worried yesterday about all my medical appointments

today, tomorrow and Monday. But I wrote reminders for myself 

and that fear was managed.

I don't know why exactly but I am feeling really down.

I've come on here to be with friends tonight. To recognize and reclaim power

over the dipping mood....and now as well getting a perspective that's showing me that I've been

happy as well at times today.

I keep having thoughts about 'not knowing what I am living for...'

and that I suppose is mostly due to the fact that my time, my schedule

is so unstructured right now - due to the vacation...as though since I don't go

to work next week... my focus is a big void as a result...who is my time for...??....

but I can't think that way... I do have some things planned after the colonoscopy

on Monday. 

I'll have a nice meal when I come home. I want to go to the local pub on Tuesday

or maybe to a Japanese restaurant...(as an aside I mentioned to my doctors that I really

wanted to start branching out and do things like go to a Japanese restaurant now that the pandemic

is lifting and they said 'that sounds great! and good for you!' :)...) 
So anyways, coming on here and reviewing my day's events is kind of helping me see that

I have had some good moments today...and some healthy moments at that...

I had a phone call from my Dad too. He just called to see how I was doing...SO NICE!!

and for some reason after the call I became effected by it - so I called my therapist and left a message..2 messages... :(

It just is the twisted nature of the spinnings I get up to at times. I will talk to my therapist about it..on Tuesday next...

I feel kind of depressed I think because the focus of my evening is so commanded by nothing other 

than my own isolated feeling - isolated may be a strong word... it is just going to be a weekend of

deprevation food wise because of my medical procedure on Monday morning... I think that is a major factor

that the medical procedures are commanding so much of my time these next few days...and I am not so happy

about that....

and so maybe I ought to treat myself and stay up for the movie that I am interested in - which comes

on at 800p.

Sounds good to me - I need some TLC - So..I'll give it to myself! :) 

Sending peace and good vibes....you guys... hope you can give yourselves

the good stuff tonight!!!! xx