Hidden Depression
I realize now that I've been depressed for a while now. It's hard for me to recognize my emotions, so I have to go by clues that show me how I'm doing. I haven't been eating and I'm tired no matter how much I sleep, so that's an indication that I'm depressed. Add that to me not feeling well in general about things, and you have depression! I wish it was something else, but I don't know what else it could be. I don't feel well, and I'm kinda worried since when I walk in the heat my heart starts pumping really hard and it hurts my chest. I think I should go see the doctor about it when I have time, but I'm just worried that it's going to be something big. That or it's going to be nothing. I know since it's my heart they are going to get all worried and stuff and possibly send me to the ER, creating a bill I won't be able to pay. I know before I was all about going to the hospital, but that was different. That was mental stuff, which I know how to deal with. This other stuff, the physical stuff, I don't know how to deal with. I think it's just my body going all psychosomatic on me anyway and there's nothing wrong with me. There's only one way to find out, and that's to see a doctor. I'm going to go to the clinic when I wake up tomorrow and see if I can see a doctor before I go volunteer. I don't know what they are going to say, but that's why you go to the doctor, right? I should check my bank to see if I can afford it.. It's going to be $25 to see the doctor, plus whatever medications they give you. Since I have the special Medicaid, I don't get a discount on my medications. I wish I did, that would make life easier, but I don't. Maybe this problem going on in my body is why I'm depressed, I don't know.
I was hoping it was going to be different this year. I thought I could make it through October and not get depressed, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. I know it's still early, but I can't get my hopes up. I wish I could even hope, but hope is something that is beyond me right now. Well, I still have some hope, but not hope in myself. Hope that things are going to end up all right in the end. I say that things are always good in the end, and if it's not good, it's not the end. Right now that seems more optimistic than I feel, but it's what I say. I think it was triggered that night I wrote about my stepbrother and my dad. That's the last thing that I remember writing about before I got depressed. I had some good days after that, but not too many. I think the fall coming and the combination of the memories got to me. I wish I could get rid of this depression, but I don't know how to. I've been taking my medications, going to my doctors and therapist, and doing everything I can think of to keep myself good. I had a good August, but I don't know what caused it. I wish I knew so I could recreate it and give myself a good month every month. I don't think I was deluded in August, I think I had an honestly good month.
Food was okay today... I got my calories in at least. I could have eaten more veggies, but I didn't have too much access to them. I had leftover chicken teriyaki with onions for breakfast, ramen for lunch and chicken Alfredo for dinner. I think I could have thrown some veggies into the ramen like I sometimes do, but I didn't want to. I miss my salads already, but I'm out and I didn't think to look at the store today since I get them at another store where they are cheaper. I was supposed to volunteer today, but I just couldn't get up the energy to go. I have to go tomorrow, so after I see the doctor (if I see the doctor) I will see what they have for me to do. Stress was moderate today... I was on the bus and just stressed out about everything for no reason. Sleep was okay... I got 13 hours but I don't feel rested because of the depression.
I was hoping it was going to be different this year. I thought I could make it through October and not get depressed, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. I know it's still early, but I can't get my hopes up. I wish I could even hope, but hope is something that is beyond me right now. Well, I still have some hope, but not hope in myself. Hope that things are going to end up all right in the end. I say that things are always good in the end, and if it's not good, it's not the end. Right now that seems more optimistic than I feel, but it's what I say. I think it was triggered that night I wrote about my stepbrother and my dad. That's the last thing that I remember writing about before I got depressed. I had some good days after that, but not too many. I think the fall coming and the combination of the memories got to me. I wish I could get rid of this depression, but I don't know how to. I've been taking my medications, going to my doctors and therapist, and doing everything I can think of to keep myself good. I had a good August, but I don't know what caused it. I wish I knew so I could recreate it and give myself a good month every month. I don't think I was deluded in August, I think I had an honestly good month.
Food was okay today... I got my calories in at least. I could have eaten more veggies, but I didn't have too much access to them. I had leftover chicken teriyaki with onions for breakfast, ramen for lunch and chicken Alfredo for dinner. I think I could have thrown some veggies into the ramen like I sometimes do, but I didn't want to. I miss my salads already, but I'm out and I didn't think to look at the store today since I get them at another store where they are cheaper. I was supposed to volunteer today, but I just couldn't get up the energy to go. I have to go tomorrow, so after I see the doctor (if I see the doctor) I will see what they have for me to do. Stress was moderate today... I was on the bus and just stressed out about everything for no reason. Sleep was okay... I got 13 hours but I don't feel rested because of the depression.
Replies
wow, what a change since last journals, i must of missed something. i am so sorry you are feeling down and depressed it is an awful, terrible feeling. please dont take offence to what i am going to ask or say, i dont mean say something to upset you. i am a bit confused on a few things. the food issue is one, i was under the impression that you were doing good with your intake except for maybe a few calories or so, and to me that doesnt mean you have failed, we cant be expected to be right on the nose everyday, so breath and let that go if you can, you are doing the best you can, and you have worked hard. about the walking, i know you have been walking in the heat, which i dont know how you do, but i dont remember you mentioning your heart and the rapid beating. when did this start? it seemed you always enjoyed your walks and doing the 5k, i hope you are ok. maybe you over did it in the heat, heat can be very dangerous, are you drinking enough water? i find my depression creeps back in a bit in the fall and winter, esp winter here in the northeast, its dark at 4:00, yuck! i have been told people without depression or other mental illnes, get the blues also, so with what we have it is going to be worse. october used to be a favorite month for month, but since peter died oct. 15th 21 yrs ago, i havent enjoyed it much anymore, and it is so beautiful here with the leaves. alk to your doctor about all these things and maybe he/she can put your mind to rest a bit. have you talked to geo? i feel it was a good thing though very hard to confront the issue about your stepbrother and dad, it is very painful, but i feel these issues need to be adressed and yes they do bring it all back and the natural responce is to feel depressed. now hun, i am NOT diminsheing your feelings at all, just trying to get perspective, please tell me if i have overstepped. love you and wishing you the best and many hugs and support
wow, what a change since last journals, i must of missed something. i am so sorry you are feeling down and depressed it is an awful, terrible feeling. please dont take offence to what i am going to ask or say, i dont mean say something to upset you. i am a bit confused on a few things. the food issue is one, i was under the impression that you were doing good with your intake except for maybe a few calories or so, and to me that doesnt mean you have failed, we cant be expected to be right on the nose everyday, so breath and let that go if you can, you are doing the best you can, and you have worked hard. about the walking, i know you have been walking in the heat, which i dont know how you do, but i dont remember you mentioning your heart and the rapid beating. when did this start? it seemed you always enjoyed your walks and doing the 5k, i hope you are ok. maybe you over did it in the heat, heat can be very dangerous, are you drinking enough water? i find my depression creeps back in a bit in the fall and winter, esp winter here in the northeast, its dark at 4:00, yuck! i have been told people without depression or other mental illnes, get the blues also, so with what we have it is going to be worse. october used to be a favorite month for month, but since peter died oct. 15th 21 yrs ago, i havent enjoyed it much anymore, and it is so beautiful here with the leaves. alk to your doctor about all these things and maybe he/she can put your mind to rest a bit. have you talked to geo? i feel it was a good thing though very hard to confront the issue about your stepbrother and dad, it is very painful, but i feel these issues need to be adressed and yes they do bring it all back and the natural responce is to feel depressed. now hun, i am NOT diminsheing your feelings at all, just trying to get perspective, please tell me if i have overstepped. love you and wishing you the best and many hugs and support
wow, what a change since last journals, i must of missed something. i am so sorry you are feeling down and depressed it is an awful, terrible feeling. please dont take offence to what i am going to ask or say, i dont mean say something to upset you. i am a bit confused on a few things. the food issue is one, i was under the impression that you were doing good with your intake except for maybe a few calories or so, and to me that doesnt mean you have failed, we cant be expected to be right on the nose everyday, so breath and let that go if you can, you are doing the best you can, and you have worked hard. about the walking, i know you have been walking in the heat, which i dont know how you do, but i dont remember you mentioning your heart and the rapid beating. when did this start? it seemed you always enjoyed your walks and doing the 5k, i hope you are ok. maybe you over did it in the heat, heat can be very dangerous, are you drinking enough water? i find my depression creeps back in a bit in the fall and winter, esp winter here in the northeast, its dark at 4:00, yuck! i have been told people without depression or other mental illnes, get the blues also, so with what we have it is going to be worse. october used to be a favorite month for month, but since peter died oct. 15th 21 yrs ago, i havent enjoyed it much anymore, and it is so beautiful here with the leaves. alk to your doctor about all these things and maybe he/she can put your mind to rest a bit. have you talked to geo? i feel it was a good thing though very hard to confront the issue about your stepbrother and dad, it is very painful, but i feel these issues need to be adressed and yes they do bring it all back and the natural responce is to feel depressed. now hun, i am NOT diminsheing your feelings at all, just trying to get perspective, please tell me if i have overstepped. love you and wishing you the best and many hugs and support