Hi Sisters
Hi Sisters,
It has been several days since I have written. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but I paint and it seems to have become an obsession. Day and night, all I want to do is paint. I guess there could be worse obsessions...I have always been this way. I find something I love doing and I become obsessed and then one day just drop it. I hope that isn't the case with the painting because I want to get better.
I feel so guilty. I don't think about Cassi as much when I paint. I truly do not believe that is the reason I do it, but it does remain a fact. I get lost in the painting and don't think about much of anything, my mind is clear and focused...and nothing else has been able to hold my attention that way since "it" happened. Tomorrow will be 11 weeks...another hateful Sunday..where has my life gone??? I have let my world become smaller and smaller. I miss appointments because I don't want to leave the house. I order my paints and supplies on-line. Last week I went in to a Michaels for a few things and felt that familiar twitching, telling me to run, run...get out, away from the people...I started sweating, my pulse was racing, I felt everyone was staring at me, the crazy woman wearing hospital scrubs because she can't stand to get dressed in proper clothing.
I don't want Cassi to think I am forgetting about her...I know it's irrational but I feel if I am not grieving then I am moving on without her. I have to work on that...figure out how to merge keeping my baby close to my heart while relearning this life, whatever it is to become.
I had so many high hopes a few weeks ago...I wanted to help people, now I just want to hide away, paint, be left alone. Hopefully this is yet another stage I might be in, might emerge from.
It has been several days since I have written. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but I paint and it seems to have become an obsession. Day and night, all I want to do is paint. I guess there could be worse obsessions...I have always been this way. I find something I love doing and I become obsessed and then one day just drop it. I hope that isn't the case with the painting because I want to get better.
I feel so guilty. I don't think about Cassi as much when I paint. I truly do not believe that is the reason I do it, but it does remain a fact. I get lost in the painting and don't think about much of anything, my mind is clear and focused...and nothing else has been able to hold my attention that way since "it" happened. Tomorrow will be 11 weeks...another hateful Sunday..where has my life gone??? I have let my world become smaller and smaller. I miss appointments because I don't want to leave the house. I order my paints and supplies on-line. Last week I went in to a Michaels for a few things and felt that familiar twitching, telling me to run, run...get out, away from the people...I started sweating, my pulse was racing, I felt everyone was staring at me, the crazy woman wearing hospital scrubs because she can't stand to get dressed in proper clothing.
I don't want Cassi to think I am forgetting about her...I know it's irrational but I feel if I am not grieving then I am moving on without her. I have to work on that...figure out how to merge keeping my baby close to my heart while relearning this life, whatever it is to become.
I had so many high hopes a few weeks ago...I wanted to help people, now I just want to hide away, paint, be left alone. Hopefully this is yet another stage I might be in, might emerge from.
Replies
I believe you are right. These are stages, good one week and a sobbing anxiety ridden the next week. You are honoring Cassi to live and to paint. If our children could tell us to live fully, I think with all their heart they would. You will never forget your daughter and she knows that. Paint away and when that is done obsess some more..I know I will. Love Lauri
The arts are such an amazing way to immerse oneself in healing. Whether it\'s painting, music, creating something with one\'s hands is a way to connect to something deeper, isn\'t it?
I do remember you telling us about this love you have of painting and I cannot think of a better way for you to be spending your days and nights. I made blankets non-stop for several winters when I was \"stuck\" inside on frigid days and needed to feel the softness of fabric and create something that would bring warmth, in a spiritual sense to my barren being.
Learning how to integrate our loss into this life that each of us is called to live becomes our life\'s work. It has become mine and some days I feel a balance and other moments I feel as if I\'m a frog in a blender... Just a big, chaotic mess...
I\'m grateful to imagine you painting dearest Gina and may you find something of yourself and greater than yourself in those brush strokes.
I will never forget how I felt the day I realized that it was after I had brushed my teeth that I thought of my son. It was one of disbelief and panic that he was not the very \"first\" and very \"last\" thought of each and every day. I didn\'t know how to feel and the guilt was there, yet somehow I knew that my heart would never allow me to forget, ever, and that Douglas understands and knows me in ways that he could not before.
You are doing the work of grieving my friend and there are so many moments to be worked through. Pause in those paints and allow your heart and mind as much healing as you can contain and for some reason I don\'t feel as if this is something you are going to just put away, yet if you do, it will always be there waiting until you are ready once again or perhaps something new will find you.
With you and caring~
XO Joanie
I am sure Cassi would want you to paint because that brings you joy. I try to remember that our children want us as happy and content as we want them to have joy.
Painting is probably great therapy. Maybe you could paint something Cassi likes and that might ease some guilt your feeling. Keep on painting. That is a great talent!
Love, Joan
Oh my dear. You will never forget Cassi. I understand the fear - I too felt that if I wasn\'t thinking of Lisa all the time, I was doing her an injustice. I worried that I would forget her. Cassi knows how much you love her and that you will never forget.
I am glad you have painting as an outlet. You are right, there are many worse obsessions. My son painted every chance he could after Lisa died. He paints his emotions so some of his paintings were heartbreaking.
I am so sorry you are having panic attacks. Hopefully they will ease. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. This is a long exhausting road we walk.
Love to you and Cassi,
Hugs, Marlene
What a blessing for you to have your painting. Honor Cassi by giving life to her by your art. I wish I could create like that. I have tried making blankets for a bit and it is some comfort to be able to distract our minds. Our babies are with us always. Love & peace, Kathy
Your daughter does not judge, not where she is, she\'s in bliss.
I watch Netflix endlessly, I don\'t have the concentration to read any more. I don\'t clean compulsively either since keeping a spotless house was all about making it the best for my kid: safe, clean, cozy, quirky, eclectic and interesting furnishings, etc. I think I must have watched more Netflix in the past 2-1/2 years than anyone else on this planet! SO WHAT?
You\'re not ready to go \"out and about\", far from it. What you feel when you are \"out and about\" is NORMAL. It will pass, it will get better. NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU but that doesn\'t mean you don\'t have trouble in public. I left many a shopping cart because I couldn\'t stay in that place one second longer without screaming. NORMAL.
PAINT! It is a wonderful expression of your inner life. Let me ask you this: had you died (of natural causes or an accident), would you want your precious daughter to spend every waking moment thinking of you, suffering, grieving, in pain? OF COURSE NOT. Nor does she want that of you.
You just keep right on talking to us, Gina. I understand everything you are saying. After my son died, I started to play these online games called time management games. I played them endlessly. It was all I could do. I tried to watch a movie, it did not work. By the next morning, I had no idea how the movie ended. So I went back to the game, which was very repetitive. That, I could remember. It is a hard road we travel, my friend. I remember thinking of my son in every waking moment and feeling like I would go insane for it. Even asking him in my mind to Please, leave me for now. Then when I stopped thinking of him all the time, I dealt with that damn guilt thing. You have a long road ahead, dearest one, we are here for you and understand. I was \"new\" here 5 and 1/2 years ago and thought they all could not have a CLUE what I was going through. That is the truth. But this place has helped me along every slow inch of the way to where I am today. Paint your heart out, do whatever it takes to distract your mind, even if only for moments at a time. I could not read books for about two years, nor listen to music. But it has come back to me a little. I still have distraction problems and I do not think that will ever change now. I accept that. Mundane things seem so less important now and I guess I let them go. Well love.
Peace.