hi ho, kermit the frog here.

I have spent the weekend alone, and it seems I just felt like it.

Yesterday I kept to myself here at the apartment after work, which I usually do

every Saturday and then today my parents are out of town until tomorrow

so I am keeping alone today as well. At one point I was very nervous today. 

I was unprepared for that as it's showing me that I really need to build a life for myself

because I know one day my parents will not be around.. and I know my identity is

so much a part of my family life...What will it be when I am alone? But I know

I have this handicap which has me in company of like afflicted comrades here on DS.org

So I am alone this weekend and I didn't make any plans AND I decided to

skip my yoga class which would have been my one outing for the day.

I don't know why I'm keeping to myself. Perhaps it's not

too healthy but I just felt like it - and I guess I have taken and given myself the opportunity to 

keep mindful. Like I really need more of that.. :) But I've been thinking about things.

Here's where I start to get a little weird.

I have been noticing how I kind of think about things in my head with a kind

of emotional dyslexia. I tend to get depressive - where as I assume others are much more outwardly expressive and positive in their minds and lives. I notice I am not alone in that with my friends here - and yet though logic tells me that reaching out and being with others is the remedy for this - I sometimes keep to myself - and let that feeling 'of like getting into a cold pool of water' influence me and so I stay at home and not reach beyond my comfort. Ok this is now showing me it's a bit of a red flag, like my world is getting a little small again and I need to reach out.

As I sit on the couch and watch TV I notice things about myself unavoidably because I feel so trapped in the pattern of solo life and I am trying to break through and have less negative reaction which tends to keep me 'in my place.' So I look at what I get up to. I get caught up with what things mean - and then also

how I conceive of myself in terms of my identity. I will talk to the therapist about this.

I need to be productive in life, I need to survive and yet I think I also need to be who I am and

allow myself the liberty to be who I am and not just imprisoned by what things mean. It's a balance.

I keep so close to doing things that are responsible, that are about keeping proper - 

and if I stray too far away from that I feel like I am missing out. Like I am straying into danger

a bit - and that's when I get a little lethargic too and don't want to reach out beyond comfort which at the start of reaching out

brings anguish... . I don't know why that is - and I am going to raise

the question with my therapist. My life alone, is not enough I guess. I think i am not alone in feeling anguish at times.

That helps me to try and breach that problem. This was a catharsis.