Hi Birthday
This day marks both his birthday... And NC for 176 days. Almost 6 months!!! I never thought I would see that happen... And yet here I am, alive to tell the tale.
I have always wished him a Happy Birthday for as long as I have known him. Today, I didn't even realize it was his birthday until almost 10am. I still miss him. I miss the sex. I miss holding someone near to me. I miss sharing things. But not enough to contact him, not even enough to wish him happy birthday.
I still haven't met anyone that I have come close to feeling anything towards. I feel nothing at all, for the most part. I do know that I don't want to date, yet I am because I want to have a child. That is it. I absolutely do not crave having a relationship in my life. However, I do miss having that level of intimacy with someone... If that makes any sense.
When I was with him, I was always scared that there wouldn't be anyone else. However, that hasn't been true... Far from it. It is I who is choosing not to be with anyone. I guess I just have needed a break... A chance to recover.
I wonder where he is at... Just briefly. I can't get a good grip on a picture of him anymore. A few weeks ago, I found some buried emails from him. And they were horrible. My responses, begging and pleading for the good man I knew and loved to return, broke my heart in two... And I wondered why I stayed so long. Early into the relationship I was literally receiving very little from him. It wasn't until later, who he knew that I was leaving that I began to receive more, paltry as it was.
I still regret having the abortion, the last child I conceived with him. There was nothing wrong with me, except that I doubted myself. I doubted that I would have been able to provide for a child. Ha! Me, unable to provide... I forgot I was the same woman who would do anything to climb out of the hole my parents threw me into...
So what has (almost) six months given me? I have lost 10% body fat, 40lbs and am healthy again. I have moved my business in a new direction and am considered the person to know for my area... Something I would have never had the courage to build myself up to being in his presence...
What I still struggle to understand is how much he belittled me without me knowing it. In six months, I have accomplished more than I have in six years with him. Abuse is toxic. Toxic people are toxic to my soul.
I know longer speak to my mom and very rarely with my dad or my sister. I keep to my own company except for my friends, the group of kind, loving, compassionate people who have come to know me over the years. The people who never judge me, the people that would never hurt me and the people who love me unconditionally.
Today, although he may be celebrating his birth, I am celebrating his death. The death of him in my life, having power OVER my life... I am celebrating my life.
I need to do a ceremony, something significant to mark this passage of time, to grieve the child that I lost and let her go in peace.... To celebrate the lessons learned, the struggles I fought, the life I won and to mourn the people I lost.
It is a beautiful day. Go live it.
I have always wished him a Happy Birthday for as long as I have known him. Today, I didn't even realize it was his birthday until almost 10am. I still miss him. I miss the sex. I miss holding someone near to me. I miss sharing things. But not enough to contact him, not even enough to wish him happy birthday.
I still haven't met anyone that I have come close to feeling anything towards. I feel nothing at all, for the most part. I do know that I don't want to date, yet I am because I want to have a child. That is it. I absolutely do not crave having a relationship in my life. However, I do miss having that level of intimacy with someone... If that makes any sense.
When I was with him, I was always scared that there wouldn't be anyone else. However, that hasn't been true... Far from it. It is I who is choosing not to be with anyone. I guess I just have needed a break... A chance to recover.
I wonder where he is at... Just briefly. I can't get a good grip on a picture of him anymore. A few weeks ago, I found some buried emails from him. And they were horrible. My responses, begging and pleading for the good man I knew and loved to return, broke my heart in two... And I wondered why I stayed so long. Early into the relationship I was literally receiving very little from him. It wasn't until later, who he knew that I was leaving that I began to receive more, paltry as it was.
I still regret having the abortion, the last child I conceived with him. There was nothing wrong with me, except that I doubted myself. I doubted that I would have been able to provide for a child. Ha! Me, unable to provide... I forgot I was the same woman who would do anything to climb out of the hole my parents threw me into...
So what has (almost) six months given me? I have lost 10% body fat, 40lbs and am healthy again. I have moved my business in a new direction and am considered the person to know for my area... Something I would have never had the courage to build myself up to being in his presence...
What I still struggle to understand is how much he belittled me without me knowing it. In six months, I have accomplished more than I have in six years with him. Abuse is toxic. Toxic people are toxic to my soul.
I know longer speak to my mom and very rarely with my dad or my sister. I keep to my own company except for my friends, the group of kind, loving, compassionate people who have come to know me over the years. The people who never judge me, the people that would never hurt me and the people who love me unconditionally.
Today, although he may be celebrating his birth, I am celebrating his death. The death of him in my life, having power OVER my life... I am celebrating my life.
I need to do a ceremony, something significant to mark this passage of time, to grieve the child that I lost and let her go in peace.... To celebrate the lessons learned, the struggles I fought, the life I won and to mourn the people I lost.
It is a beautiful day. Go live it.
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