What's going on here? Gwen my have joggled my memory and analytical mind after all. Could it be that I have stumbled-on to the real core belief this morning? The one that's causing all the problems?

Here's what I got this morning right out of thin air. It's all my fault, right? It's all about me and my thinking/believing. I know this is a strech but here it is (It goes back to my mother again, and her influence on me.):

Mom believed in Psychics, readers, card readers; and got me to believe in them too. It's like magical thinking. What that did was it got me to believe that something else, someone else, was in control of my life, NOT ME, That I was a 'victim' of fate,without control of my own destiny; at all. When in fact I've had the ability to control some parts of it all the time. I thought that someone else was guiding me, and I've been angry for quite awhile about how it's turning out. I'm not able to choose (I thought), my input didn't matter; it wasn't a factor in the outcome. That my life could be foretold by asking someone else. I believed I couldn't ask for anything myself. CRAP!

Well...I can't get too mad at her. It wouldn't change to past. My past is what it is. The truth is I wasn't taught to be responsible for my life, my decisions, my feelings, my desires, my self-esteem. I thought I didn't have control over any of it, something or someone else did. Isn't that a HOOT?!

Okay! Now what? My first instinct is to be aware of the shock value of this possible knowledge, and second, don't make any drastic swings in my life. Learn how this new possibility might work, little by little. Baby steps, until I figure out how to think better. I've got mixed feelings about it, if it's true. IF it's true. I feel like a catapillar changing into a butterfly! Or a moth. We'll see which, based on the correctness of the hypothetical information and its future use.

Keep your heads up! Smile! It's good to be alive!

Love to all,