Here it goes...
What I sent Joanna yesterday evening...
Joanna,
I know that I should not send this, yet I am. I have had up's and down's after seeing you this afternoon. I want to say I need help- but then I go back and forth. No need to read immediately or even prior to our session on Friday.
I think I need help. I don't want to give up, I hate giving up, but maybe I just should. I feel that I am going in circles and that I am not going to follow this meal plan. I do for a few days, freak out, mess up a day and round and round it goes. Everything just sits in my head and goes round and round.
I am scared now. Today freaked me out. I feel as though my body is getting mad at me and not wanting to cooperate anymore. I mean it slowly has been doing that, but I just blew it off. At dinner and afterwards I felt horrible physically and had no energy to go anywhere, even though we were going to walk around the mall. I thought things were going great. There was talking, laughter, etc. Then we said our goodbyes and parted ways.
Somewhere during the drive home and getting into my apartment tears started forming. I do not know why but I did. My dad called me, we talked about rowing and Oklahoma City until he asked how I was doing. then I broke down. I think this came from earlier saying to myself 'maybe i should suck it up and go somewhere to get to stabilize'. But I feel that when I say that, everyone is going to be mad that I gave up. Carlos then came home, asked why I was crying, I tried saying, and then he said whatever and went to the bedroom- still hasn't come out.
This is what I have done to my family. Carlos is sick of this shit. My mother text me after she got home saying Alyssa was crying on the car ride home, and that while writing the text my mom was crying standing outside praying to the full moon which she just said she started doing when I went to Sheppard Pratt. I do not know what is worse though. Deciding to give up trying on my own and going to a hospital, or to keep trying and most likely fail. I know that no one wants me to go anywhere. Carlos doesn't even want that mentioned. My dad will support me either way, my mother (I’m not sure...i get the sense she thinks its dumb), and my sister will be pissed if I don't go to GA. So I have to go to GA- but then again is it going to make it worse for her? I can't do that. And I know that if i went somewhere that Carlos will not come see me, and my family will be constantly out of town. Maybe that would be for the best? But then I would want it clear that I want to get medically stable, not go down to any day program or what not, but to go back to my team (you, Jill, Ceaser) and get down to business. I really want to work on the hard shit ahead, but am I going to be able to do that now? Was today just a lucky day?
I don't know what to do. I just want to calm my mind down and be able to focus
Earlier when I left your office I just wanted to run back in and say that I need more help. But I didn't. Now I do not know. It keeps going back and forth.
Then school, I am honestly scared to start the semester off, especially with mental health nursing. I am afraid I am going to be way behind. I'm afraid... never mind this isn't going anywhere.
Bottom line, my stomach is in knots because i don't know what to do. I am crying, but do not know why. Maybe I am crying because I am nervous, anxious, confused, flustered, etc. It's not because I am said or upset I don't think. All I want is someone to tell me what to do!! My decision making has gotten even worse. Everything has gotten worse. I feel like complete shit and I want out. I can't take this anymore and neither can anyone else. I need to gain weight, get stable so that I can get my brain on track and start moving forward again.
Sorry, this was supposed to be short.
Steff
---------------------------------------------------------
What I sent Joanna this afternoon...
Joanna,
Disregard the previous email. I made my decision and I have told my family. I found out that by me doing what I am doing is hurting my sister. Not just emotionally, but physically to. I can't see her go through this to. I need to be her role model.
I have a plan and that's what i would like to talk about tomorrow.
I am going to go to the hospital and go in with an open mind. Get nutrition and take in everything they have to help me. I hope they will be able to transition my meds. Going sooner is better for my health and for everyone around me. I am not telling anyone but my family because I need to do this for me and my family. I don't want people feeling for me etc.
After getting out of the hospital, we can start working on real things and move forward. I don't think I will be out in time for school nor do I think I will be ready. I think it will be better to have a more structured schedule and get a real full time job. It will keep me busy, focused, and help with following the meal plan. I will still take my online course. Maybe another. Then after a year when Carlos has graduated and has a job I will go back to school. This will also help financially.
My family and Carlos are supportive and my sister was very happy. And after coming out while I am applying for a full time job I will take a week to visit my sister and then my Oma and Opa.
Jill is actually meeting with the director of reflections at dominion right now and is going to pass information on to me. She also said that if she gets any paper materials she will copy them and leave it in your box.
Lastly, I am not letting my parents pay for what my insurance will not cover. I am doing this for me and I will pay it somehow. I will get on a payment plan.
So I made my decision. I know I will probably take it back, but that's why I have told my family so i won't.
I look forward to talking about this tomorrow.
Steffanie
Joanna,
I know that I should not send this, yet I am. I have had up's and down's after seeing you this afternoon. I want to say I need help- but then I go back and forth. No need to read immediately or even prior to our session on Friday.
I think I need help. I don't want to give up, I hate giving up, but maybe I just should. I feel that I am going in circles and that I am not going to follow this meal plan. I do for a few days, freak out, mess up a day and round and round it goes. Everything just sits in my head and goes round and round.
I am scared now. Today freaked me out. I feel as though my body is getting mad at me and not wanting to cooperate anymore. I mean it slowly has been doing that, but I just blew it off. At dinner and afterwards I felt horrible physically and had no energy to go anywhere, even though we were going to walk around the mall. I thought things were going great. There was talking, laughter, etc. Then we said our goodbyes and parted ways.
Somewhere during the drive home and getting into my apartment tears started forming. I do not know why but I did. My dad called me, we talked about rowing and Oklahoma City until he asked how I was doing. then I broke down. I think this came from earlier saying to myself 'maybe i should suck it up and go somewhere to get to stabilize'. But I feel that when I say that, everyone is going to be mad that I gave up. Carlos then came home, asked why I was crying, I tried saying, and then he said whatever and went to the bedroom- still hasn't come out.
This is what I have done to my family. Carlos is sick of this shit. My mother text me after she got home saying Alyssa was crying on the car ride home, and that while writing the text my mom was crying standing outside praying to the full moon which she just said she started doing when I went to Sheppard Pratt. I do not know what is worse though. Deciding to give up trying on my own and going to a hospital, or to keep trying and most likely fail. I know that no one wants me to go anywhere. Carlos doesn't even want that mentioned. My dad will support me either way, my mother (I’m not sure...i get the sense she thinks its dumb), and my sister will be pissed if I don't go to GA. So I have to go to GA- but then again is it going to make it worse for her? I can't do that. And I know that if i went somewhere that Carlos will not come see me, and my family will be constantly out of town. Maybe that would be for the best? But then I would want it clear that I want to get medically stable, not go down to any day program or what not, but to go back to my team (you, Jill, Ceaser) and get down to business. I really want to work on the hard shit ahead, but am I going to be able to do that now? Was today just a lucky day?
I don't know what to do. I just want to calm my mind down and be able to focus
Earlier when I left your office I just wanted to run back in and say that I need more help. But I didn't. Now I do not know. It keeps going back and forth.
Then school, I am honestly scared to start the semester off, especially with mental health nursing. I am afraid I am going to be way behind. I'm afraid... never mind this isn't going anywhere.
Bottom line, my stomach is in knots because i don't know what to do. I am crying, but do not know why. Maybe I am crying because I am nervous, anxious, confused, flustered, etc. It's not because I am said or upset I don't think. All I want is someone to tell me what to do!! My decision making has gotten even worse. Everything has gotten worse. I feel like complete shit and I want out. I can't take this anymore and neither can anyone else. I need to gain weight, get stable so that I can get my brain on track and start moving forward again.
Sorry, this was supposed to be short.
Steff
---------------------------------------------------------
What I sent Joanna this afternoon...
Joanna,
Disregard the previous email. I made my decision and I have told my family. I found out that by me doing what I am doing is hurting my sister. Not just emotionally, but physically to. I can't see her go through this to. I need to be her role model.
I have a plan and that's what i would like to talk about tomorrow.
I am going to go to the hospital and go in with an open mind. Get nutrition and take in everything they have to help me. I hope they will be able to transition my meds. Going sooner is better for my health and for everyone around me. I am not telling anyone but my family because I need to do this for me and my family. I don't want people feeling for me etc.
After getting out of the hospital, we can start working on real things and move forward. I don't think I will be out in time for school nor do I think I will be ready. I think it will be better to have a more structured schedule and get a real full time job. It will keep me busy, focused, and help with following the meal plan. I will still take my online course. Maybe another. Then after a year when Carlos has graduated and has a job I will go back to school. This will also help financially.
My family and Carlos are supportive and my sister was very happy. And after coming out while I am applying for a full time job I will take a week to visit my sister and then my Oma and Opa.
Jill is actually meeting with the director of reflections at dominion right now and is going to pass information on to me. She also said that if she gets any paper materials she will copy them and leave it in your box.
Lastly, I am not letting my parents pay for what my insurance will not cover. I am doing this for me and I will pay it somehow. I will get on a payment plan.
So I made my decision. I know I will probably take it back, but that's why I have told my family so i won't.
I look forward to talking about this tomorrow.
Steffanie
Replies