HERE I GO AGAIN!

Monday, 1-19-09:  I go back to work tomorrow.  I have had four days off and feel a bit better.  I still don't wan't to go!  I am just really getting lazy!  I love my job but love just hanging out at the house, more. I didn't EVER touch the tax stuff this break.  I had a goal.  I didn't meet it.  Oh, well.....  There will be a night this week that I will be bored since Craig goes to bed at 8 p.m.  I may "touch" the stuff then.   Today was Craig's birthday. Poor guy, he had to go in for a root canal this afternoon.  Chris came over for dinner.   I fixed spaghetti, salad with trimmings, and garlic toast.  And, of course, a cake. Poor Craig didn't/couldn't eat.  He did manage a piece of cake before bed. Chris was okay with that. lol!  Spaghetti is one of his favorite foods and he was thrilled to have leftovers to take home with him.  When Chris has a plate of spaghetti, he has a PLATE of spaghetti! Adam wasn't here.  He had made plans last week, for tonight, with a friend.  He didn't realize it was his Dad's birthday.  But, he did leave him a note and has plans to do something with him this coming weekend.    Chris started his new job today.  He does NOT like it.  That is okay.  It has lit a fire under him to work toward other things.  Of course, he will work this until he gets the next step figured out.  Any paycheck is better than none right now.  On Saturday I took my mom to the mall.  She took me to lunch.  It was fun.  First we went to Sears and got our TV converter boxes.  Then, we went to lunch at a really nice Italian restaurant, called Zio's.  I had never been.  The food was great and we had a nice visit.  Then, we went to Penney's.  Mom, all of a sudden, got really, really weak.  We had to leave.  She felt better once we were in the van and driving.  So, we went to Chris' to see his kitchen cabinets.  She had not seen them.  He bought his house from her so she was excited to see the changes.  We visited about an hour and I took her home.  We decided next time, we will shop and then eat.  That way she will be able to be sitting at the end of our trip.  I think she is only "good" for about three hours out.  In any case, it was nice to spend the time with her.  And, not only did she buy my lunch, she bought me a really nice red sweater.  Mom's.....There is nothing better than a Mom.....ours, us, and any other, out there, no matter what our age!  The above realization gave me pause.  I know that all of our children loved us. Unconditionally.  And we loved them.  Unconditionally.  Oh, that is not to say we all haven't had our "moments" with our children.  I will be bold enough to say that anyone who says they never had a "moment" with their child is a liar.  But, that is what made and makes us closer.  Those "moments" would never happen if we didn't love each other so much.  So, I know, our children would never do anything, on purpose, to hurt us so deeply.  Even for those of us who lost our children to drugs or suicide.  It wasn't about us.  It was about them.  I know I did all I knew to do.  I could only do so much.  The rest was up to Scott.  And, obviously, he just couldn't do what he needed to do.   I am quite sure there was more I could've, should've, done.  I have since his death, thought of many things that might have made a difference.  Maybe not.   In any case, I didn't think of them before.  It doesn't really matter, does it?  All the "could'a, should'a, would'a's", in the world won't bring Scott back.  I am tired of beating myself up.  Really tired.  I just want to grieve in peace.  I miss my son every day, and often, every moment.  I still cry.  I suspect I always will.  I will always have things that haunt me.  I will always have things I will struggle with.  But, now, I realize, that is about me.  Not Scott.  I am learning to see the difference between my loss of Scott and my reaction to losing Scott.  They really are two separate things.  It is an epiphany, of sorts. So, here I go again....staying up to late when I have to work, going back to work, and trying to work things out in my head..... Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to the "real" world I go!