Here I go again
After what seemed like a hopeless week where no day gave me hope of their being an end in sight, yesterday was a bright day. My husband and I met with a grief counselor in the morning, but aside from that, had a wonderful day. After the grief counseling, my husband and I went to breakfast at Chic-fil-a. It was the first time that I saw a baby girl out in public that didn't make me tear up. I rode with my husband to his job just to spend the afternoon with him, and it was a great afternoon. We actually joked around a little in the car. When I got to his office i even started working on my thank-you's to people. We went to dinner that night with my husband's parents and his sister (who was our doctor who delivered our little girl) and I could talk about everything without getting upset. On the way home from the restaurant my sister-in-law told me that some of the tests they had done came back negative, so that was a good sign. it was frustrating to still not know what happened, but it was a good thing because it meant that nothing on those tests showed a problem for a future pregnancy. His sister also told me that there was no medical reason that we could not try to get pregnant soon again. It was like those were the exact words I had been wanting to hear. Part of me feels that if I were just pregnant again that I would have a reason to be happy and get up every day. Then today happened. It was like yesterday I was a different person from a different life, because i woke up completely miserable. Where as yesterday I was so excited at the thought of being pregnant again, today I was just completely terrified and didn't want to be. How could I make it through another pregnancy without being a complete basket case? What if this happens again? I feel that I can probably handle a miscarraige, but if I had another stillbirth you might as well bury me along with my child. I had my first friend where the avoidance thing happened, and I felt like a total loser. I felt like a coward for backing out of a lunch with a pregnant friend, but at the same time, swore I heard the relief in their voice. Like I was now the elephant in the room. I HATE feeling sorry for myself. My husband is busy at work today and has had people around him, and he has been my security blanket, so not having his comfort has compounded things. I hate to be so reliant on him, but if talking to him makes me not get so upset, why not turn to him? I love reading things that other people have written, and responding, but toda has been the first day that has prompted me to write in the journal, so hopefully it will help.