I experienced a lot of different things today and as usual I want to
talk about it. But in all candor I feel like what I really want is simply to have
a meaningful conversation with a friend. I haven't talked to anyone outside of work and Blue today
and I think it's important that I don't go into my 'end of day' routine without a shout out
to you guys in the great beyond.
Maybe I do/write about this because I have that deep yearning for company. Maybe it's an expression
of the intense and familiar connection that comes with couplehood that's in me that existed once upon a time
but now is resurfacing.
Maybe it's self validation for the validation I would get or hope to get from just gentle or emotional conversation.
It's kind of weird to write this in a kind of phantom/unknown forum
but here goes.
You guys have probably noticed how I go from an intensity of my own behavior and experience during the day
and how I seem to have it build up to a certain point and then I go ahead produce a writing nearly every day.
Maybe though it's not such a mystery.
Again it's probably unrecognized loneliness and so perhaps it's a need. I also wish I didn't need to do it - and yet perhaps too it's something that I gravitate towards
as part of 'the condition' in a kind of emotional dyslexia - and kind of misinterpretation of what I am hoping for. And right now I am starting to see
the correct interpretation (without the dyslexia.) It could be the my nature to create.
I am trying not to brow beat myself or put extreme judgement on stuff- just trying to write
out the ideas and get it on e-paper so I can just express all that's on my mind.
Writing like this is something I approach doing sometimes, and then it seems too much of an indulgence.
Like it's not 'appropriate' (I HATE THAT WORD.) There seems to be a real apprehension about getting my feet wet - and again it feels unnecessary.
But all in all - the way I grew up - nothing seemed appropriate and so I balk at that.
Sometimes the fear of mistake and indignity and humiliation when thinking about taking action (as in writing or doing anything) can freeze me
in my tracks if I listen to it.
Then during the process of creation, like this entry, things get too subjective for me to feel confident about it...and yet then I go ahead and do it.
I am glad in the end that I do it - I want to be proud of it and yet it requires me to let go.... it reminds me of when I would create
a drawing or a painting when I was younger. A birthing process that leaves me a little lost and yet invigorated! :)
Then when I go to bed at night - so very often I will need to ground myself
in a physical act or else I will spin like 'a fiery wheel in place' and not be able to determine my own
path but only the path of 'shoulds' - until such time - when I take steps - and a big change of perspective
to be self responsible about my own mechanism. Stepping outside myself ..something like that - it's key..
AKA Taking the reins.
So today I became very tired today after work - the drive home really vacuumed my insides out -
but in mustering the determination to write here ( I wrote this part earlier) - I am finding myself awakened - and invigorated!!!
So creating is a form of stimulation too, which I need to give myself and it's a form of stepping outside myself
to manage my own path rather than just follow an automatic pattern or automatic
inertia..which if I give too much power to, it will manifest as a mystery to me and so my cranky dysfunction.
It's so funny how the dysfunction is .... it creeps up on you - like a whiney-ness and a tiredness (cranky)
until I finally realize "OK i gotta do something about this.)
I turned on the AC as the apartment was sizzling. Cooling the air down really helps me get my reason back. :)
I learned that lesson a while ago.
What is my point exactly?
Just sussing out 'what works' for me. I kind of have to watch myself and take care of myself as I would like it
and not just in the service of shoulds or wait to get it from someone else. I feel like I can keep a good eye out for my own personal need in light of
writing this journal.
A good thing to remember when an emotional downturn hits is to remember that 'inertia works' as does 'action' when I feel too caught up in the cranky dysfunction....
Just keep on taking one step at a time until like you build up momentum and again it's
that real change in attitude and perspective of standing back and being self responsible one step at a time and then the momentum you build up
works! It carries you through to a better place.
I have to admit I do take things a little too far sometimes mentally with all these spinnings and then I get derailed too.
Then in the aftermath of licking my mental wounds and going ahead with doing something passive like watch tv it helps to rest a bit.
After a while though the stagnancy 'of being alone' and 'of not being social or so stimulated'
it all just requires you to take care of yourself. - Do nice things for yourself
and take care of life -but also take care of YOU so there's that - you can do it - and you can feel proud of yourself for doing it!
Right now as I write and reread this entry - I find myself trying to listen to myself about what I am needing here. I'm kind of learning
to give it to myself...and that's a great reward. The post is kind of 'out there' but I guess I am trying to give myself
a session with my therapist. A touchstone for what my ideas are...what's great about it is that I am learning to listen to the heart beat
of my writing and not just focus about the self observations.
Things are good. Good night.. :) I want to focus on someone else now.
Replies
focusing on someone else is a major reason i am so active in the open forums. a world of population one is a mighty cramped place. it pays to take the time to care about the world around me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Yasgzjc0w
Thanks Arfie
sorry guys. this one got out of hand. As a therapist said to me once "You need a whole world."
That being said his meaning was about the definition I need to feel ok and safe.
My current therapist has also talked about with me how I tend to write about myself and place in the world and figuring that out.
That too is true. I thought it all over while at work today - and I thought how my need to have a world and yet 'span
the worlds between me and others' is something i have to balance within myself.
All the stuff coming at you isn't always nice but I think I can give myself some energy and reassurance
to continue being the person I hope to be in life. I think just a vague measure and view of how I am in the world
can fortify and reassure of what's happening when i start to write or think about the above.
It's all part of what it's like to be me. Needs, desires and enthusiasm.
I hope you guys can have a good day.. Peace.
Mark
Hola Mark,
You don’t have to be sorry, from where I sit I just see my friend writing out some stuff he needs to write out. For what it’s worth I was going to comment on this journal yesterday but my adhd, dissociation, ect. stuff was affecting me too much that I couldn’t get it straight.
Sending support, hope & many prayers
Big hug <3
Thanks Lil missy!!! So much appreciated!! Hugs