Here I am once again
Why did I let my emotional shields down? I should know better but once again I let my heart believe we were somehow winning.
Yesterday was a day I will never forget. After a week off work together, my wife was once again starting to be distant. Initially, she attributed it to a bad visit by the red monster (that time of the month again). While we were eating the dinner I had fixed her, she said she was going to find a therapist because she wants to separate again. Perhaps I should have focused on the therapist which I totally support but instead I was once again devastated by the statement she wants to separate. Not 5 minutes later I got a call that my 99 year old grandmother with whom both of us are close was dieing.
We both rushed over and we stayed with her as she passed. My wife was an angel to both my grandmother and to me during that event. She was so sorry to have said what she did when she did. Even as I was sad and missing my grandma I could not conceive going through this or other future tragedies without my wife. I know that is selfish but many of the tears I shed were for those thoughts even as I held my grandmother's hand as she died. My wife held me tenderly and lovingly for those hours and I can't bear the thought of losing that. I pray my grandmother is with those she loved and by whom she was loved. I wish I could get a piece of that on earth.
Yesterday was a day I will never forget. After a week off work together, my wife was once again starting to be distant. Initially, she attributed it to a bad visit by the red monster (that time of the month again). While we were eating the dinner I had fixed her, she said she was going to find a therapist because she wants to separate again. Perhaps I should have focused on the therapist which I totally support but instead I was once again devastated by the statement she wants to separate. Not 5 minutes later I got a call that my 99 year old grandmother with whom both of us are close was dieing.
We both rushed over and we stayed with her as she passed. My wife was an angel to both my grandmother and to me during that event. She was so sorry to have said what she did when she did. Even as I was sad and missing my grandma I could not conceive going through this or other future tragedies without my wife. I know that is selfish but many of the tears I shed were for those thoughts even as I held my grandmother's hand as she died. My wife held me tenderly and lovingly for those hours and I can't bear the thought of losing that. I pray my grandmother is with those she loved and by whom she was loved. I wish I could get a piece of that on earth.
Replies
I am so sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that your wife mentioned separating again. I know how you are feeling. To have it coupled with a death of someone close to you is unbearable. I will pray for you and your family.
You have my prayers friend. I can feel your pain. Hang in there don\'t give up.
I\'m sorry for your loss, so hard but know she is with loved ones and laughing and dancing and is free from pain and the hardships of life.
My mother passed away in Oct. 2013 and I was desperately trying to hold onto my marriage during all of it. I don\'t think I ever properly grieved for her. I cried more tears over the loss of my marriage then I did for the loss of my mom. How sad is that?
I\'m sorry you are hurting, I wish I could take away your pain. Sending you hugs and prayers!
Thank you all for the kind words of support and condolences. Both my wife and I have struggled with the loss of my grandmother and the event itself. In addition to losing a wonderful presence in our lives, my wife is horribly conflicted about abandoning me and the family that is dear to her and knowing I would be facing future losses without her. I am missing all my grandparents all of whom I was very close to as my final one has joined the rest now. The fresh loss only reminds me every minute of the potential loss of the most important woman in my life... My wife, my lover, my best friend, and the mother of my dear children.
I told my wife I would brave the roller coaster ride of the ups and downs of her feelings for me, but I need to feel there is love and some kind of security in our marriage and family. As much as I will fight to save this marriage and work to make this relationship loving and strong, I am starting to be plagued with thoughts of doubt. My recent nights have been filled with nightmares of losing my wife and children and being unable to find them. My waking hours find me trying to dispel fears that she will eventually weary of the roller coaster and finally give up completely.
She did say she wanted to get therapy but only for herself. She feels the problems are hers alone and I suspect she fears a therapist may be swayed by my words instead of focusing on her. My fears are that the therapist may look for easy solutions and my paranoia has me imagining her being told that she is not to blame if she has simply lost the \"in love\" feelings for me. But don\'t get me wrong, I know that only if she gets her issues resolved will we have a future. I just want to work at it together, as the partners in life that we are.
Thanks again for the support. Sorry for the novel. I really appreciate you all.