Help Me Sisters
Sisters...I need the advice of those further along in the journey...It has been almost six weeks since Cassi committed suicide. I know it isn't that long, but I am starting to feel like people are expecting me to get it together...I don't WANT to be stuck in this grief forever, but I am in no way ready to get on with my life. I don't know how long is "normal" to grieve...I don't think there even is a normal grieving process when your only child commits suicide. I am proud of myself for simply living. I never thought I would survive this...During the past 5 years while Cassi was going through her depressive episodes, even two previous OD's I thought if she was ever successful I would do it too...that there was no way I could bear the grief. She was my life...from birth, she was it for me...she was my first thought every morning and my last thought at night...and always on my mind no matter where I was or what I was doing. How am I ever going to get on with things??? Much less this soon...No one has said anything to me directly, it's just something I feel, a shift from sympathy to impatience...now this isn't from my close friends or family so I shouldn't even care, and really I don't unless I am not where I should be. I don't want to grow old and sad and lonely and have people say, well she was never the same, she never recovered. I WANT to get on with my life...That's why I am still here. Did any of you experience anything like this???
Replies
Yes, I did experience that and still do. I think the reality is that people do have lives and move on, that they can\'t relate. But we shouldn\'t take their silence as lack of support for our grief. Our grief is personal and transformational - it changes us and the only consistency in the way we feel is that it changes. My sister said that the first time she went to Mass after Seth\'s passing, she sat in the back so she could ball like a baby. I still can\'t bring myself to go to church - not that I\'m angry with God, I\'m just a blubbering idiot thinking through my son\'s journey to His house. There will be some shared feelings of grief with others, and talking about it is truly helpful. There are 2 things that help me the most through my personal experience with grief - mentioning Seth in conversation - our memories, what he liked, every time I can mention Seth, I do. People have learned to accept this with me - I\'m not sure if they think this is a problem, as if I\'m not letting go. The second thing that has helped me is this site, just reading through the blogs validates that what I\'m feeling is normal. Because truly, unless you\'ve lost a child, you just can\'t relate.
I walked into Josh\'s memorial with 5 close friends and walked out with one. About a year ago, one came back and just last month another one is came back. I am pretty forgiving so I welcome them with open arms.
At first I thought it was just our culture that ran away from grief. Now I find that many cultures do the same. Yes, they want us to return to the \"old us\" and get on with our life fairly soon. That just does not happen. As for me, I will never get over it. Everyone grieves on their own schedule and if friends and family won\'t allow that, let them go. There are plenty of new friends right here.
As for me, I did not \"really\" laugh or smile until somewhere in the second year. Now at 4-3/4 years, I do so readily. Yes, I still cry. I stay at home as much as possible because this is the \"new me.\" I warned the friend that recently came back that I was not the same and she would have to get to know the new me. She is ok with that.
I am slowly regaining my life with the help of our soths. I have started to re-engage with life. I have new interests and am starting slowly to live again. So yes, there is hope.
Hang in there, we are with you.
Much love,
Leda
YES!!! I\'ll write more later...heading home now, but wanted you to know I\'ve read this and YES, YES, YES!!
Hold on!
Love you!
Oh my! At six weeks after my 31 year old son died, I\'m not sure if I was functioning any more than one breath at a time. However, I do remember the feeling/pressure of people thinking I should be \"getting over it\" or \"moving on\". It was more pressure than I needed!
My son did not commit suicide. But I will tell you something - there were moments and days and weeks that I contemplated suicide myself, just to stop the pain!!! I told my grief councillor that they only reason I was still here was because I was too chicken sh*t to do it.
My son has been gone for almost 14 months now. I am very lucky that when I come here and write in my journal I am reminded that I too am so new at this journey.
I can tell you that what you are dealing with right now will change. It will \"look and feel\" different, even when you reach my footsteps on the path that we find ourselves on.
People... oh, lets see... In order to fit in to society as we know it, people need to believe that \"you\" get OVER this and MOVE on. Otherwise, how can this be? On top of that, even the concept of losing a child is their worst nightmare and we are living, breathing examples of that very thing that no one wants to even admit is possible.
I have lost many contacts since Jason died. People that I was convinced would be there with me, and for me, have disappeared. I can make excuses for them but the bottom line is that they can not deal with my reality now.
Just the other day a contact made the comment that \"Oh you\'ll be fine!\"
I am a divorced women of 52 years. I am adjusting to the reality that I will never be \"the same\". How can I be?
Where you are at in this LIFE LONG JOURNEY is so new, so raw and so fragile. My gentle advice, my friend, is that some days are seriously, one minute, one breath at a time. Cry your tears, scream, yell, swear, get really angry and just breath.
Church can wait and those people can wait. This time has to be yours. If you need to curl up in a ball and scream, then so be it. The manual on how to deal with your loss has yet to be written.
Read the mom\'s journals here that have lost their child to suicide, when you are strong enough. You are not alone. The path has many twists and turns and bumps.
No matter how or why you now find yourself living in a world without your precious child, you are not alone. You have connected with others who are living in the same reality as you.
I will hold your hand until you are strong enough to hold my hand too. OK?
tightest of hugs, gentlest of tears, Merrilee
Yes I too have experienced this. I lost my sons almost 6 years ago & even now I still feel like some friends & family feel I should be back to my old self....surely by now! 6 months into grieving the loss of my sons it dawned on me that even family was not supportive to my husband & me. This lack of support was from both of our families. For quite sometime I was angry, I am still trying to let that go, as I know it has a negative effect on my health. I am trying to understand how someone can be supportive yet not come around or call??
Really the lack of support is still the same, however how I handle it has changed. I guess I have learned to accept the reality in the support area. I hope this doesn\'t sound harsh but I kind of feel like people reveal themselves by their actions. So I surround myself with people who are comfortable with me being me now.
There is for sure hope that you too will find ways to deal with your situation. It takes time, but it will happen. Come here as often as you need, because we truly know what you are dealing with. Love, Vicki
It was about 6 weeks after Kala\'s accident that I stumbled upon this website. There was no FMO at that time and finding \"moms\" was challenging. But about 7-8 of us did find each other and bonds grew quick and strong! One of these first moms was Barbara, founder of FMO. She created the group so we could find each other more easily.
Anyway, I was about 6 weeks into my nightmare from hell and yes, I perceived others as sympathetic and yet \"pushing and pulling\" me toward their idea of \"normal\". I barely knew what planet I was on....and didn\'t really care to be on ANY planet....BUT, I did know, somehow, deep inside my soul, I would survive....that yes, even in the most horrendous pain....I wanted to survive.
So, I came here day and night....many times a day and throughout the night...and poured my heart out to anyone who\'d listen. I screamed and cursed and cried 10,000 oceans worth of tears....and I kept writing....and I kept reading....and I kept getting out of bed every morning that I was able.
Early on I decided I would change my \"mood face\" to a smiley face. I figured even though I didn\'t feel happy or like smiling, that was my goal and so I\'d just put it out there. Well, that damn smiley face nearly drove me insane!! Like it was mocking me...laughing at me... So, I went back to putting on the \"right face\" for the day/journal. When I had a good day...or a good few moments, I\'d change it to green, and when I was in the pit, I\'d change it accordingly. I was finding and accepting MY truth.
Somewhere along the way I stopped worrying so much about what others thought I should/shouldn\'t be doing and just allowed myself to be, feel, do or not do what I knew I was capable of. Those that could understand never questioned and those who loved me enough to go with my flow even though they could not understand stayed by my side.
I think the most important thing I\'ve learned on this path is I must always allow what IS to be honored. When I\'m feeling really, really sad....I cry. When I\'m pissed off, I curse. When I\'m happy I laugh till I pee my pants! And I owe NO ONE any explanation about any of it!!
I am SOOOO looking forward to this years annual FMO retreat in Tahoe. Our guest speaker will be Tom Zuba. If you haven\'t heard of him, look him up! He\'s also on FB and accepts friend requests....I know, cause he accepted mine! He teaches \"a new way of doing grief\" that I find VERY helpful, inspiring, and soul healing.
So, one, you\'re doing this right! Two, you\'re normal! Three, you don\'t owe anyone any explanation for YOUR grief journey. And Four, YOU WILL FIND YOUR LIFE AND YOUR LAUGH SO HARD YOU PEE YOUR PANTS MOMENTS again!!!
If at all possible, please join us in Tahoe for the retreat. I think lives will be changed that weekend! Information will be posted soon, so watch for it on our group page!!
Love you my sweet friend!
Love to Cassi!
Actually....I\'m not \"friends\" with Tom...I just \"like\" him. I\'m still learning about FB!
Left my # on your voice mail
Amen to everything Teri said. Others expect you to be \"normal\" because that is what they need or want -NOT what you need. You will NEVER be the same person you were before. Don\'t let other tell you what you should/shouldn\'t feel or how you should be acting. The best is that you should be \"over it\". You will NEVER get over it - you will learn to live with it you will find a way to live in this new world. It is a long slow process, done differently by everyone. Take your time and do what feels right to you. Hugs, Ann
The people who want us to get over it are clueless. There is no way they could possibly understand unless they have been through the same thing. We will never get over it but we do learn to live with it. I know the rawness in the beginning and how we think we will always feel that badly. But as we are taking those baby steps we are progressing down the journey...and those baby steps add up to miles. In my third year, I was able to look at her pictures and smile instead of sob. I was remembering the good times and it felt good. Sure there are still times of tears but they few and far apart now...We just learn to live with it but we still miss our kids each and every day. xoxoxo Connie
The wisdom of these ladies is just over the top. Blessings as we all take this journey together. Marissa\'s gone 7 1/2 years yet it seems like yesterday. Jennifer\'s an angel for 3 years. I know they are happy together and that gives me such comfort. Yes we are alive, living in a new normal as we wait for our reunion. Hugs. Kathy
Yes, be proud of yourself that you are surviving the worst nightmare a mother could ever be asked to endure and the timetable is as unique as the person. You will never be \"over\" any of this, yet will learn and are learning how to carry it for a lifetime. What feels like a heavy anvil on one\'s chest slowly morphs into something that can be carried daily with compassion and loving care.
Do not have expectations of yourself or others. You are not who you were nor will you ever be and that is what frightens them and you. For those willing to ride this wild wave with you it will be one of patience, compassion and holding this sacred place for you to heal. This is YOUR ride and not theirs and if they can be a heart with ears then they are in it with you. As I have said before, my address book has become much slimmer these days because I just cannot have \"drainers\" in my life who try to tell me how I should be living MY life.
Praying for you and just hang on. This is the hardest work of a lifetime and you can do it and are.
Love and care,
XO Joanie