Hello, darkness, my old friend..

I intended to write something positive tonight--a typed sliver of hope delivered in cheerful post. I wanted to write about how I have overcome my sadness and found my way out of the seemingly black hole I have lost myself in. It was going to be an epic release of emotions, an inspiring post that I myself could look back on when the demons come to take me away again. Unfortunately, those words will not be written for I have nothing to give. I see no light to guide my way out of the darkness tonight. Instead, I am letting it completely consume me. I am giving in...

I am a fraud, and the four lavender painted walls prove so. A few years ago, I decided to "lighten up" my room and, in a sense, exercise my demons. Everything around me was a trigger. The dark purple and black walls, the depressing song lyrics and poems I wrote in permanent marker all over my doors, the pictures of friends and family that proved to be untrue, and a painting of Romeo and Juliet that was bought by the man who brutally manipulated and used me. I ripped everything off the walls, threw everything I couldn't part with in boxes and stuffed them in the garage, painted my walls, bought sparkly white furniture, and attempted to liven it up. I attempted to make peace with my past and move on.

In a matter of three years, I was not only able to completely change my room but my life. I quit smoking and binge drinking, got my GED, cut out all of my toxic relationships with friends and family, and I went to college. I started to feel good because I was doing well. I had all these plans now, and I could see the future I wanted. I was achieving SO much, and I was starting to feel happy. Things were starting to change for me, but one thing remained--the darkness. 

Every now and again, it comes and creeps up behind me. It was the slow and suffocating feeling of self loathing and sadness and my inevitable loneliness. It doesn't matter how much I accomplish or how much light I desperately try to put back into my life, this darkness always returns. Suddenly everything becomes a trigger--social media, movies/TV, seemingly happy groups of friends or couples that pass me by, but especially my memories. I am reminded by the terrible things no person, let alone a child, should experience. I am reminded of a little girl who should have been protected. I am reminded of everything that was taken from me at the hands of neglect. I am sixteen years of trauma, pain, confusion, and ultimate suffering. I am reminded of how strong I am for still being alive despite such horrific events, too many to count on even my ten fingers and toes, but also reminded that every day will be a battle. This battle is within me, and every day I have the option to continue to fight or give up. Some days, I am Superwoman--I soar out of the darkness and into the sun, my demons defeated. On other days, I am simply existing. 

Today, I am simply existing..

=(

Currently playing: Disturbed - The Sound of Silence