hello again
dearest friends
i see my last entry was December 09, more than 4 months ago. I'm not sure why exactly i didnt write in for so long. i think i've been trying to find a way to live life, trying to find where and how i fit in, where and how jessy fits in. how to do it.
i've experienced a lot of things. Just having passed jessy's 24 april angel date, being 2 years since her passing, i don't cry and sob like i used to. sometimes i miss her so much i dont know what i'm going to do. most of the time, i'm really happy to say that i have so many memories of the sweetest, most precious, and funny things she used to do, how much love we enjoyed together, what depth of closeness we had, how so very very sweet my jessy was.
i am encountering a strange thing from "society", and i'm not quite sure where it goes.... i get the v.e.r.y s.u.b.t.l.e feeling from people sometimes, that "okay, we know you had a really hard time, blah blah blah, lets focus on other things now".
i dont know if you know what i mean, it's not in a nasty way. but it's sort of like if youre in a social situation and everyone's talking and there is activity and liveliness in conversation, and laughter, and sometimes i add in, so naturally, something like "that's what jessy used to do, it was SO sweet." and there is this silence, and people try to say a kind thing. but the conversation is thereafter over.
i'm not sure what this is really all about. i know for others, i have now become "that woman who lost a child some time ago." but for ME, jessy is with me all the time. for THEM, they see it as a "terrible crisis" i faced. but for me it is the PRESENT, not the PAST.
my brain is trying to figure out how my PRESENT memories and senses of jessy fit into my PRESENT life of people who conceive of everything else as PRESENT, but of jessy as THE PAST.
do any of you feel that? like my other children, who are still on earth with me, jessy is totally a PART of me, she is with me, i am as aware of her as i am the other 3 kids. how do i incorporate that into my life, without making mention of her.
it's easy, i think, for people to say i must do as pleases me and it's too bad what other people feel. but it's not really the answer i think. part of our survival throught the rest of our lives, is how to manage that we lost a child, in face of our daily interactions.
love you you all
jan
i see my last entry was December 09, more than 4 months ago. I'm not sure why exactly i didnt write in for so long. i think i've been trying to find a way to live life, trying to find where and how i fit in, where and how jessy fits in. how to do it.
i've experienced a lot of things. Just having passed jessy's 24 april angel date, being 2 years since her passing, i don't cry and sob like i used to. sometimes i miss her so much i dont know what i'm going to do. most of the time, i'm really happy to say that i have so many memories of the sweetest, most precious, and funny things she used to do, how much love we enjoyed together, what depth of closeness we had, how so very very sweet my jessy was.
i am encountering a strange thing from "society", and i'm not quite sure where it goes.... i get the v.e.r.y s.u.b.t.l.e feeling from people sometimes, that "okay, we know you had a really hard time, blah blah blah, lets focus on other things now".
i dont know if you know what i mean, it's not in a nasty way. but it's sort of like if youre in a social situation and everyone's talking and there is activity and liveliness in conversation, and laughter, and sometimes i add in, so naturally, something like "that's what jessy used to do, it was SO sweet." and there is this silence, and people try to say a kind thing. but the conversation is thereafter over.
i'm not sure what this is really all about. i know for others, i have now become "that woman who lost a child some time ago." but for ME, jessy is with me all the time. for THEM, they see it as a "terrible crisis" i faced. but for me it is the PRESENT, not the PAST.
my brain is trying to figure out how my PRESENT memories and senses of jessy fit into my PRESENT life of people who conceive of everything else as PRESENT, but of jessy as THE PAST.
do any of you feel that? like my other children, who are still on earth with me, jessy is totally a PART of me, she is with me, i am as aware of her as i am the other 3 kids. how do i incorporate that into my life, without making mention of her.
it's easy, i think, for people to say i must do as pleases me and it's too bad what other people feel. but it's not really the answer i think. part of our survival throught the rest of our lives, is how to manage that we lost a child, in face of our daily interactions.
love you you all
jan
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