hello again
dearest friends
i see my last entry was December 09, more than 4 months ago. I'm not sure why exactly i didnt write in for so long. i think i've been trying to find a way to live life, trying to find where and how i fit in, where and how jessy fits in. how to do it.
i've experienced a lot of things. Just having passed jessy's 24 april angel date, being 2 years since her passing, i don't cry and sob like i used to. sometimes i miss her so much i dont know what i'm going to do. most of the time, i'm really happy to say that i have so many memories of the sweetest, most precious, and funny things she used to do, how much love we enjoyed together, what depth of closeness we had, how so very very sweet my jessy was.
i am encountering a strange thing from "society", and i'm not quite sure where it goes.... i get the v.e.r.y s.u.b.t.l.e feeling from people sometimes, that "okay, we know you had a really hard time, blah blah blah, lets focus on other things now".
i dont know if you know what i mean, it's not in a nasty way. but it's sort of like if youre in a social situation and everyone's talking and there is activity and liveliness in conversation, and laughter, and sometimes i add in, so naturally, something like "that's what jessy used to do, it was SO sweet." and there is this silence, and people try to say a kind thing. but the conversation is thereafter over.
i'm not sure what this is really all about. i know for others, i have now become "that woman who lost a child some time ago." but for ME, jessy is with me all the time. for THEM, they see it as a "terrible crisis" i faced. but for me it is the PRESENT, not the PAST.
my brain is trying to figure out how my PRESENT memories and senses of jessy fit into my PRESENT life of people who conceive of everything else as PRESENT, but of jessy as THE PAST.
do any of you feel that? like my other children, who are still on earth with me, jessy is totally a PART of me, she is with me, i am as aware of her as i am the other 3 kids. how do i incorporate that into my life, without making mention of her.
it's easy, i think, for people to say i must do as pleases me and it's too bad what other people feel. but it's not really the answer i think. part of our survival throught the rest of our lives, is how to manage that we lost a child, in face of our daily interactions.
love you you all
jan
i see my last entry was December 09, more than 4 months ago. I'm not sure why exactly i didnt write in for so long. i think i've been trying to find a way to live life, trying to find where and how i fit in, where and how jessy fits in. how to do it.
i've experienced a lot of things. Just having passed jessy's 24 april angel date, being 2 years since her passing, i don't cry and sob like i used to. sometimes i miss her so much i dont know what i'm going to do. most of the time, i'm really happy to say that i have so many memories of the sweetest, most precious, and funny things she used to do, how much love we enjoyed together, what depth of closeness we had, how so very very sweet my jessy was.
i am encountering a strange thing from "society", and i'm not quite sure where it goes.... i get the v.e.r.y s.u.b.t.l.e feeling from people sometimes, that "okay, we know you had a really hard time, blah blah blah, lets focus on other things now".
i dont know if you know what i mean, it's not in a nasty way. but it's sort of like if youre in a social situation and everyone's talking and there is activity and liveliness in conversation, and laughter, and sometimes i add in, so naturally, something like "that's what jessy used to do, it was SO sweet." and there is this silence, and people try to say a kind thing. but the conversation is thereafter over.
i'm not sure what this is really all about. i know for others, i have now become "that woman who lost a child some time ago." but for ME, jessy is with me all the time. for THEM, they see it as a "terrible crisis" i faced. but for me it is the PRESENT, not the PAST.
my brain is trying to figure out how my PRESENT memories and senses of jessy fit into my PRESENT life of people who conceive of everything else as PRESENT, but of jessy as THE PAST.
do any of you feel that? like my other children, who are still on earth with me, jessy is totally a PART of me, she is with me, i am as aware of her as i am the other 3 kids. how do i incorporate that into my life, without making mention of her.
it's easy, i think, for people to say i must do as pleases me and it's too bad what other people feel. but it's not really the answer i think. part of our survival throught the rest of our lives, is how to manage that we lost a child, in face of our daily interactions.
love you you all
jan
Replies
Wonderful to hear from you... I have had the same thing happen - I just ingonre it & keep the conversation going. I figure that way it lets others know it is ok to share their memories of Billy.
Good to hear from you. I\'ve also had that happen to me. I believe people just cannot deal with that kind of pain, so it\'s easier to believe it goes away after a bit, which it doesn\'t. I Find as time passes, I mention John less and less, not because I don\'t think of him but because others are not open to hearing about him. He is and always will be a part of my life, present and pass. Sure good to know you are still out there and managing . Love and hugs Cathy
I totally get what you are saying, and YES it\'s true!! I have gotten the \"it\'s time to get on with, get over it, and move on already\" feeling lots of times!! And while yes, life does continue to move on our angels are always a part of us! I too will say things like \"she reminds me of my Heather, or Heather loved to do those things as well\" and I will say them with a smile as I remember. And the energy around will go quiet and tense as if I just said a handful of swear words!! I don\'t understand it! Memories are all we have left. I think really, it\'s that it makes them feel uncomfortable! They don\'t know how to approach or handle the topic of our lost children. It\'s lack of education and understanding. Yet, how can they understand something so horrific if not going through it themselves? It\'s very hard...but you are not alone. Even my family acts this way, and that really baffles me!!
It was so good in hearing from you! I hope that you are doing well. I think of you and Jessy often! Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend! Oh, how is your dad doing???
Love,
Candice
I know what you mean. You hear people talking about their children and you say something about your child whom they know has died and they look at you like ???? We are living a very hard life without our children and these people have no clue at all what they are doing to us when they talk like this.
I feel your loss and pain. Just don\'t listen to people who have not lost a child They have no idea what we have gone through and are stil going through. This Sept. 15th would have been Adam\'s 48 birthday.I didn\'t know you dad was sick. Is he any better? Please let me know how you are doing. You are doing the right thing in your life now. I sure do admire you for trying to better your life in every way possible. Please let me hear from you. With all my love. Ellie