Hello.

I'd be lying if I said I felt down for a while. I've been feeling it my whole life. Only recently when a doctor mentioned "attachment disorder" that I started to realise what it was. 

I've always felt different to everyone else, and not in a good way. I've always felt beneath everyone else, unable to socially communicate even over the phone. I've aways felt like I've been taking up someone else's time, that they've got a lot better things to be doing than talking to me. 

When the doctor mentioned it, I started to dig up bits of information that could have led to it. Since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Like the time my dad was beating my mom at the bottom of the stairs when I was 3, I was so scared I was trembling. I did me and my 18 month old sister in the upstairs cupboard and called the police, telling them that daddy was hitting mummy. That's my earliest memory so I can't recall anything before that which is so fortunate, however what I do remember is I got the blame for it. "Oh if you hadn't of called the police daddy wouldn't have hurt me". 

It didn't get much better after that. I attended a private school where I was in a class full of clevers. How could I possibly compete? It didn't help that our class had 16 pupils in, and in every end of term report it'd list us in rank order who was the best at each subject. God forbid if I didn't come in the top 5 I'd get shouted at, called stupid, a failure... you name it. "I'm not spending all this money on you for you to come bottom of the class" "I can't even stand in the playground with all the other moms as you embarress me that much with your results" I was terrified of going to school and this anxiety was shown. I'd sit on the bench at breaktime wanting to play with the other children but the anxiety at school took over. I was took advantage of very easily as I just wanted someone to like me, anybody who could show me the affection I was lacking at home. 

What started off as me always being "it" in tag just so they'd think a little bit better of me turned into me giving my lunch out at school. A packet of crisps for a smile or a thank you, I used to sit there hungry at school but it was worth it if I managed to secure a friend or two for that day.

All my reports said I needed to have more confidence which I couldn't get from anywhere. My mom sat me for the 11+ exams and I was told straight I'd go into care if I didn't get a place. I couldn't embarress her again, despite me ready to crumble at the pressure of it all. Luckily I got offered places at 3 different schools. We got notified by letter, not even a well done or any acknowledgement that I came in the top 90 odd out of over 1000 girls. It didn't matter, just as long as she had her piece of paper to take to the school gates to show all the other moms.

It continued well into high school to the point where I started to give up. I developed a small group of friends that I was allowed over for sleepovers, but I'd start to get upset at the smallest thing. Like my best friend sitting by someone else for one lesson, did I upset her? What did I do? Please don't run off from me, I used to whisper in my head. I couldn't stand the thought of being even more lonely than I was.

When my nan died I crumbled. I started to self harm as I couldn't cope. I used to get hugs off my nan, smiles, "i love you"s but I enjoyed going there too much so my mom put a stop to it. After a few years I started going again weekly and then less than a year later she died. My mom caught me self harming and called me a freak, I told her straight I couldn't cope with the pressure she was putting me under. She sat down with me and told me it didn't matter about my grades. How wrong she was. Less than a day later she was back to the way she was before. Except worse, the weight shaming came into it. The 10st 5'7 me was massively overweight and nobody would ever want me.

So results day came and I got A's and B's in my GCSEs. My stomach twisted. How dare I. I walked to the car trembling to be told "failure" followed by the silence on the way to my new 6th form. Things didn't get much better there either.

Things were at an all time low. I was at a 6th form where I had to be there for 8 and didn't leave until gone 6. I was exhausted. That didn't matter though, as long as I went to university then maybe I'd get a smile off my mom. It was horrendous. I hung around with a group who took the pee out of me because I was quiet. I tried my upmost hardest to be like them and I couldn't.

In between my education I was a serial dater. I'd have boyfriend after boyfriend with me settling for the worst. One (actually two) were gay, the other lived 500 miles away in Scotland, drug addicts, cheaters you name it. Anyone who showed me a bit of positive attention I went out with. 

It didn't end well at all. The pressure really got to me to the point where I couldn't concentrate. I failed my A levels and then got pregnant in my second year with someone who was hidious and a former gay. You can imagine how my mom reacted. I decided to keep the baby and drop out of 6th form as I thought this was my chance to prove myself to be somebody - a good mum. Have someone who actually loved me back.

It was months of me being kicked out to be told to come home, called a dirty bitch etc where I was tremendously stressed out. I was pregnant but on her terms. The baby's dad couldn't be at the birth, be on the birth certificate, have his last name or have any contact with it. I felt so so torn but I couldn't say anything as I had nobody else to turn to. I gave birth to a little boy in July 2012, I called the dad but he wasn't interested. 

I saw the dad in secret so my mom wouldn't find out. She threw me out when I was taking the baby to see his dad when he was about 3 months old. Again, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I then suffered abuse from him to the point where it finished us in November 2013. The next guy who showed me any affection a few days later I obviously got with. 

I secured a job in the local government. Of course my mom harped on that I only ever got that job because they saw I went to private school, nothing else. I'm so unhappy but I did it to prove to my mom I was somebody.

So where am I now? I'm on heavy anti-depressants. I now have two children (6 year old and an 8 month old) I'm in a relationship and have been for 2 years with this guy, the father of my 8 month old. I live with him. I'm in a lot of debt as the only affection my mom gave me was when she bought something for me. I'm employed part time. I'm still absolutely terrified of upsetting my mom or going if she's in a bad mood as if I so much accidently look at her wrong I get shouted and swore at. 

I remember sitting in the car with my mom, dad and sister when I was about 18. They started an argument which got nasty. I started having a panic attack. Their attention turned on me calling me pathetic, useless etc which obviously made me worse. They were going to Toby Carvery. My dad muttered under his breath "waste of space" and my mom scowled at me that she wish she never invited me. I got locked in the car whilst they ate their meal and was made to wait there on my own. I sat there and thought about what triggered it. Then I visulised the death trips my dad used to take the three of us on. Going 100mph down a 30 road shouting at my mom whilst me and my sister quivered in the back seat. 

Yet she's a lovely nan to my autistic 6 year old. Hugs, kisses, affection at every corner really. Same with my sister. I often wander what I did wrong to deserve what I got. I must have really been a failure for how I was treated. I still suffer from communication problems now and am pretty much a loner as I don't understand how to talk to people. I find I often make things into a joke a lot followed by a nervous laugh which was prompted a lot of eye rolls, particularly at work. My friends all go out and I don't get as much as an invite. I have regular meltdowns where I cry and most recently lash out as I was never really allowed to feel emotion with my mom. The anger and upset builds up and I don't know how to channel it heathily. 

Now that I've spoken to a doctor for the first time ever about how I feel, I'm hoping things improve so that I stop making people's lives a misery. One thing I do know is that I'll never make my children feel unloved or the way I did.