Hello

Hello. I don't know if anyone is going to read this, but I think that's okay. This might be just for me anyways. I'm 16 going on 17 and I've had a bit of a rough 6 years. Ever since my mom and dad split things have been hard. I was hit with anxiety, depression, panic, apathy, and a sprinkle of self-invalidation after the divorce was underway. I've been working for my Bachelor's degree in Nursing for a year now and school has taken over my life. That's when I lost my boyfriend. We had been dating for over a year and he was the love of my life. I understand that I'm 16 and I shouldn't know what love feels like (according to every adult ever), but it felt so real. I stuck with him through his struggles; I stayed up day and night until he came out of a mental hospital. But when things were getting tough for me, he left. I feel utterly alone and crushed. I've been cutting on and off for a year and everythings is getting worse. Even when I think I've had a good day, at night I'll be as depressed as ever. I feel wrong calling myself depressed. I love myself, my body, my family, and my friends, so why am I contemplating taking my life almost every other night now? I have this sheild of apathy that's so strong that I cut to make sure I can still feel. I've been piling on more and more school work so that I can block out my feelings with a busy schedule. I texted a helpline but the responses were robotic and scripted. I just need a helping hand that doesn't cost me 175 dollars an hour.