Heartwrenching Guilt
I keep going over the events preceding Tom's death and wonder what I could have done differently. While I realize that nothing will bring him back, I keep thinking I should have tried to take him out of Burnaby Hospital and put him in Vancouver General. They have more experience with liver disorders, and I can't help but wonder if it would have made a difference. I keep going over him asking me to take him home before his condition got worse and he couldn't talk anymore. I realize he probably wouldn't have lived much longer, if at all, or he may have gone sooner...but at least he would have been at home. I'm missing him terribly, and I'm angry at myself for not fulfilling his wishes at the time.
Replies
I also feel like I could have done more or differently. The fact that you are going over the twists and turns in retrospect shows your love. Probably there was nothing you could have done, but a lot of us have these kind of doubts.
I talked about it with our daughter. She told me I was incredible, and I did everything that I could. It helped me to get her perspective.
My wife was in and out of two hospitals before the final one. They ran a lot of diagnostics and couldn\'t find what was causing the problems. I had a theory that she developed a rare sensitivity to Tylenol in her pain medication. She was in Pain Management for headaches most of her life, and developed a sensitivity to NSAIDS after our daughter was born, so she mostly took Percocet, which has Tylenol. I discussed my theory with her doctors who said it was unlikely. In the hospital she had pain medication without the Tylenol and I thought her condition improved. When she came home I begged her to ask her doctor for medication without Tylenol. She said it didn\'t work as well without the Tylenol, and she couldn\'t face the pain. I did what I could, but Arlene was an adult and made her own decision.
At the end, when she was in ICU, the doctor told me she was in her \"final decline\" and there was nothing they could do for her. He said he thought there was some sort of autoimmune disorder attacking her organs. She didn\'t have diabetes or HIV, and when I asked him exactly what was causing it, he didn\'t know. Now it\'s something for our daughter to worry about inheriting. I don\'t want her to worry, but it\'s good to have some warning if symptoms arise.
Arlene had a long history of unusual tests. In her 30s they were sure she had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, but exploratory surgery found nothing. I guess her body was just different than normal.
Guilt is a normal phase in grieving. I think you will conclude that you did everything you could, lovingly.
Anger and regrets are all part of the normal early grief stages. Please don\'t beat yourself up. There is absolutely nothing you could have done different. You did the best you could, given the information you had at the time. Be gentle with self and know this is a \"process\", one that we didn\'t ask for, but one we must deal with. No easy outs, no easy answers unfortunately. Keep in mind that you are not alone. We may be in differing time lines, but we are all walking this path together. Hang in there my friend. Hugs, Dayna
Some very good thoughts already written above. My counselor told me early on in my grief, that guilt in the loss of a spouse is actually the brain trying to make sense of something that doesn\'t. When this happens, many times we incorrectly assign some imaginary blame to ourselves. We become our own most convenient, undeserving punching bag. When the brain is not ready early on to accept the terrible reality of this loss, it will replay, and search for any explanation of the horror we are going through. It really is normal to experience what you are feeling. Even when others assure you that you did your best(and you most certainly did, no doubt about that) , your brain needs time to recover from the shock before you will be able to see this yourself. Hugs to you and your son.
Robert