heartbroken.

I feel lost, my emotions Hurt, sting, burn. i feel wetness in my eyes when an attack comes on, a stupid attack from the past but i hold close I dont let go i dont realease it because i know i wont stop, there is too much, to much to process to much to handle. I feel so powerless over the flashbacks why wont they leave me be? was 9 years not enough did i not hurt enough that they come back for round two?what  did i do to deserve this? is there a wonder in thee world why i wanted to die? I lost my fucking job the one thing keeping me sane then BAM BAM BAM " hello Annie this is the past and we are here to fuck ur life up again". When I see myself on the floor shaking begging mom to stop kicking me it breaks my heart. when I feel the men touching me and penetrating me whith there nasty fingers i feel helpless i just feel heart broken... and why? Im not oveer this. and i need to be i need this shit to go back in the box and leve me the fuck alone.