heart ache

Today is the 2nd day of the New Year. Some have made New years resolution...I used to, but every time I'd fail within 2 weeks. I know I should make some hopeful satement. My heart is aching. I feel like I've been depressed all my life and I do not knowwhat God wants me to do with it! I truley believe that Iwill take this decease to my grave. There seems to be more work in my life andless joy. I pray for the joy of the Lord but I feel like He doesn't care. I wish God would show up
 
I'm weak, unwilling , having a pitty party,confused, fearful, lazy and I feel physicallt sick, Mentally ill, have stomach ache all time. God I'msorry for failing you. I'm in such dept of miserable!. It's too hard to put words to it.