Healing my wounds... one word at a time.
It is almost October where has the time gone...
I don;t even know where the summer went, well I do I worked all summer lol but still time is just flying by. Its 2012 already I am 23 years old I graduated college and am a real ADULT. I make big girl money and have big girl responsibilities.
I can remember being a small child with not a care in the world, playing all day long, swimming, riding my bike or just watching cartoons. It is insane to think one day soon I will be the adult in the equation. NOT THAT IM HAVING A BABY OR ANYTHING ANYTIME REAL SOON but life is moving so quickly that in probably less than 10 years i'll be a mom. I mean thats my goal anyway.
And goals, you set them with every intention of meeting them but what happens when you do? For me it just seems like I keep setting more goals to attain. I guess that is how it works but really until just recently I never stopped to really think about all the goals I have achieved, I graduated High school, got though placement, got into the nursing program, found a great guy, graduated the nursing program, passed the NCLEX and got my RN, got into BSN school, got a good job, started saving money... I accomplished a lot.
And these are all goals that I set for myself, most of them when I was a wee child. I did everything I wanted to do, and I am a felon. A murder for goodness sake and I was granted a second chance at life, I look at these accomplishments with both great pride and sadness. I feel at times I am overshadowed by the darkness of my actions that day, that because of what I did these things are that just things I did to "pass the time" I still have my record and will for another year, I feel like the things I have done have been things I have been doing until I am "free" but all along I have been free to do everything that I ever wanted to do.
I have been burdened with the guilt of taking his life the whole way through every one of my goals I set for myself. I kept a force field of anguish deep inside myself to justify that even though I am getting all these good things I am still being punished. The punisher was myself. My own guilt was my punishment the whole way through and to this day I still punish myself, even writing this I feel guilty. I can't shake this ever bearing guilt that I have cast upon myself. Dont get me wrong I feel a lot better than I did in the beginning but when will I ever truly forgive myself enough to let myself live again without the gnawing hatred of what I once was?
WOO, that was a lot of pent up feelings right there. But honestly I have come along way but I keep setting more goals, I think that is the point... life goes on? with or without you, life goes on.
I have chosen the path of living life, well God chose me to live, He wanted me here. I feel like he wanted me to carry on and tell people of my story and help others, I really want to help people. I have been going through this for five years, my mind has grown weary of the nagging that my guilt has put on it. I have been channeling my guilt towards my goals this whole time, it fuels my ambitiousness to be greater, to carry on and hold my head up high to live another day, for you and for I.
I do really feel like I am getting closer to my "Goal" of forgiving myself. I have overcome many obstacles in my life not just this huge one. I am really working on letting go of these pent up emotions that I have carried with me for so long. Writing in this journal is one of the ways I am healing my wounds. ONE WORD AT A TIME.
I don;t even know where the summer went, well I do I worked all summer lol but still time is just flying by. Its 2012 already I am 23 years old I graduated college and am a real ADULT. I make big girl money and have big girl responsibilities.
I can remember being a small child with not a care in the world, playing all day long, swimming, riding my bike or just watching cartoons. It is insane to think one day soon I will be the adult in the equation. NOT THAT IM HAVING A BABY OR ANYTHING ANYTIME REAL SOON but life is moving so quickly that in probably less than 10 years i'll be a mom. I mean thats my goal anyway.
And goals, you set them with every intention of meeting them but what happens when you do? For me it just seems like I keep setting more goals to attain. I guess that is how it works but really until just recently I never stopped to really think about all the goals I have achieved, I graduated High school, got though placement, got into the nursing program, found a great guy, graduated the nursing program, passed the NCLEX and got my RN, got into BSN school, got a good job, started saving money... I accomplished a lot.
And these are all goals that I set for myself, most of them when I was a wee child. I did everything I wanted to do, and I am a felon. A murder for goodness sake and I was granted a second chance at life, I look at these accomplishments with both great pride and sadness. I feel at times I am overshadowed by the darkness of my actions that day, that because of what I did these things are that just things I did to "pass the time" I still have my record and will for another year, I feel like the things I have done have been things I have been doing until I am "free" but all along I have been free to do everything that I ever wanted to do.
I have been burdened with the guilt of taking his life the whole way through every one of my goals I set for myself. I kept a force field of anguish deep inside myself to justify that even though I am getting all these good things I am still being punished. The punisher was myself. My own guilt was my punishment the whole way through and to this day I still punish myself, even writing this I feel guilty. I can't shake this ever bearing guilt that I have cast upon myself. Dont get me wrong I feel a lot better than I did in the beginning but when will I ever truly forgive myself enough to let myself live again without the gnawing hatred of what I once was?
WOO, that was a lot of pent up feelings right there. But honestly I have come along way but I keep setting more goals, I think that is the point... life goes on? with or without you, life goes on.
I have chosen the path of living life, well God chose me to live, He wanted me here. I feel like he wanted me to carry on and tell people of my story and help others, I really want to help people. I have been going through this for five years, my mind has grown weary of the nagging that my guilt has put on it. I have been channeling my guilt towards my goals this whole time, it fuels my ambitiousness to be greater, to carry on and hold my head up high to live another day, for you and for I.
I do really feel like I am getting closer to my "Goal" of forgiving myself. I have overcome many obstacles in my life not just this huge one. I am really working on letting go of these pent up emotions that I have carried with me for so long. Writing in this journal is one of the ways I am healing my wounds. ONE WORD AT A TIME.
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