healing hopes for all

I am starting to recognize that when I hear a tone of disconnection in a loved ones' voice

it sends me down an emotional rabbit hole. It's something I am catching and learning

to stave off that erroneous reaction. I am learning to keep present about what I want or aim

to do with my time - stay in the moment of the conversation or situation - and that is a healthy, positive and productive thing.

I recognize also that I may want to prove that I am special or worthy to my siblings at times...

I feel like they would so dismiss me in person if I didn't make the concerted effort to share

with them my thoughts and experiences and have relationships with them outside of the perfunctory.

That being said I am learning that I also need

to create a life of my own that I can be happy with and sustained by (removing pressure too my siblings might feel?) - much like a marriage is the creation of

your own joint special life or even just a commitment to one's own interests and trajectory forward.

I realize too there is a factor of vanity at play here that really helps me see and engender my own

modus operandi/boogie so to speak and yet then when I come together with loved one's like my family I know it's time

to put that aside insofar as (like today) I was there to help and submitted.

I became fatigued when with them but I tried to have pride in just doing good work. All my thoughts with them just evolved

and I kept it in check holding onto what little I have to hold onto within me.

I've heard it said and I agree "Taking care of your parents is God's work." Indeed I agree! I may bellyache at times

but it is great work!!

Candidly though, while I was at my parents today - I found it very hard to feel recognized and my mind goes towards

stuffing my face with the goodies and sweets they keep in the house rather than feeling engaged with them. I resisted the temptation to consume

and tried to patiently wait out the time that I was with them (give myself the good stuff I actually wanted - like a trim body instead of a chubby one) until it was time for me to head home.

I listened to my Dad's phone conversation with a friend of his - talking about business - I was

just really open to being present for this chat. It was enlightening and it unlocked some perspective within me about business.

I sincerely tried to be there for Dad and my Stepmom - My biggest hope is that my effort to be a good son

is not cancelled out by my own foibles and shortcomings as a disabled person or just a flawed human being.

I know I have quirks and not the biggest personality - but I do try to let him know I appreciate him

and both of them. I did so today... That's all I can do really is just hope and keep up with the actions I make

for helping them. 

I was thinking about Susan's comments about or asking 'why I felt lonely' if

I have such a rich work and family life and Blue as well. Indeed Susan your words hit me in

a good spot and I realized I am quite happy in my life and it's important to appreciate what I've got

and be present for them - I am grateful for the relationships I have

and I am getting happier here on my own...NOT so tortured as I used to be - more aware to give myself

the good stuff. With my therapist's help along with my own efforts things, today at least, are looking more

stable and promising. No rabbit holes - just a vantage on doing what I need, want and like to do.

We all gotta keep on keeping on. I'll take care of the dishes now and clean up after kitty :).

I'm thinking about the monastery and just kind of taking on a trial but serious living with 

what it would be like to be there long term at last.

Peace you guys! As Arfie says "healing hopes for all, no exceptions"