Healing: A Twisted Path
Dear Fred:
Yesterday (9/8/13) would have been Nick & my Silver Wedding Anniversary if he had lived.To avoid the pain I started feeling that day I had an opportunity to go on an overnight "girl's trip". I hadn't planned this but when it suddenly came up it seemed like such a great idea. The trip really was fun. All too soon it was over.
When I got back home today I was met by my four cats and one very unwelcome intruder. The Grief Monster was waiting right at my front door. Usually when he visits I manage to get rid of him fairly soon. Today he has been very persistent. It feels like he has moved back in with me.
That old aching emptiness has returned in full force. I feel inside like a totally barren windswept desert landscape. Completely empty as far as the eye can see. I've cried more today than I have in several months. I've been told that crying is therapeutic and part of the healing process. I guess that healing really is a twisted path. It feels like on the road of "progress" I turned a sharp corner and have ended up almost from where I began.
I've been trying to sort out why I've had such an unexpected emotional crash. I'm sure the anniversary issue is part of it. Also, Nick's oldest brother & his wife came over from France for 2 weeks. I haven't seen them since Nick's services. We visited several of the places the four of us went to on the very last vacation we ever had together. Even the time of year was the same. I thought I had made it through this but perhaps not as completely as I had thought. Also I have been very busy for several months getting the home & yard ready for their visit. These goals were accomplished. Now, I am at a loss of what to do next. There are things I need to do but I can find no motivation.
One other thing that is bothering me, perhaps more than I have given it credit for, is that I am looking a hip replacement surgery.After my experiences with the medical profession with Nick I want no part of doctors, surgery or hospitals. I know that hip replacements are very common things now and that most everyone wonders why they waited so long to do it once they have recovered. I also know that at times complications set in and the person is left worse off than they were to begin with.
The other issue with surgery is that I am alone. I haven't got those pesky spoiled cats trained yet to clean their litter boxes, feed themselves or bring me morning coffee. I am pretty sure there must be agencies or a business in the area where I can hire someone to come stay with me for the first day or two. It is just the emotional part of doing this by myself that gets to me.
The last part of all of this is that I am really frustrated with myself for this regression into grief. Everyone here on DS has & is suffering a loss just as great and they also must handle many over whelming situations on their own. There are many many people not on DS having similar grief & problems. I also know I have many things to be grateful for and am not pleased with mysdelf when I go on a "pity party".
Fred, it has helped to actually write these feelings & fears down. For the rest of the day I will give myself permission to cry all I want to. Then, when the tears are gone I will sit down & write down all the many good things I have been blessed with. The Grief Monster may be squatting on my sofa today but I am determined he will be evicted before tomorrow.
Thank you, Fred, for being a sounding board for me. Tomorrow will be a better day.
9/9/13 Darlene
Yesterday (9/8/13) would have been Nick & my Silver Wedding Anniversary if he had lived.To avoid the pain I started feeling that day I had an opportunity to go on an overnight "girl's trip". I hadn't planned this but when it suddenly came up it seemed like such a great idea. The trip really was fun. All too soon it was over.
When I got back home today I was met by my four cats and one very unwelcome intruder. The Grief Monster was waiting right at my front door. Usually when he visits I manage to get rid of him fairly soon. Today he has been very persistent. It feels like he has moved back in with me.
That old aching emptiness has returned in full force. I feel inside like a totally barren windswept desert landscape. Completely empty as far as the eye can see. I've cried more today than I have in several months. I've been told that crying is therapeutic and part of the healing process. I guess that healing really is a twisted path. It feels like on the road of "progress" I turned a sharp corner and have ended up almost from where I began.
I've been trying to sort out why I've had such an unexpected emotional crash. I'm sure the anniversary issue is part of it. Also, Nick's oldest brother & his wife came over from France for 2 weeks. I haven't seen them since Nick's services. We visited several of the places the four of us went to on the very last vacation we ever had together. Even the time of year was the same. I thought I had made it through this but perhaps not as completely as I had thought. Also I have been very busy for several months getting the home & yard ready for their visit. These goals were accomplished. Now, I am at a loss of what to do next. There are things I need to do but I can find no motivation.
One other thing that is bothering me, perhaps more than I have given it credit for, is that I am looking a hip replacement surgery.After my experiences with the medical profession with Nick I want no part of doctors, surgery or hospitals. I know that hip replacements are very common things now and that most everyone wonders why they waited so long to do it once they have recovered. I also know that at times complications set in and the person is left worse off than they were to begin with.
The other issue with surgery is that I am alone. I haven't got those pesky spoiled cats trained yet to clean their litter boxes, feed themselves or bring me morning coffee. I am pretty sure there must be agencies or a business in the area where I can hire someone to come stay with me for the first day or two. It is just the emotional part of doing this by myself that gets to me.
The last part of all of this is that I am really frustrated with myself for this regression into grief. Everyone here on DS has & is suffering a loss just as great and they also must handle many over whelming situations on their own. There are many many people not on DS having similar grief & problems. I also know I have many things to be grateful for and am not pleased with mysdelf when I go on a "pity party".
Fred, it has helped to actually write these feelings & fears down. For the rest of the day I will give myself permission to cry all I want to. Then, when the tears are gone I will sit down & write down all the many good things I have been blessed with. The Grief Monster may be squatting on my sofa today but I am determined he will be evicted before tomorrow.
Thank you, Fred, for being a sounding board for me. Tomorrow will be a better day.
9/9/13 Darlene
Replies
Darlene, I\'m glad you were able to get away from the Grief monster for a bit. It does help to get yourself in a different environment and have a little fun. These set-backs are not unusual. If I had not been where you are, I would not know what to say, but I have, and I know that you will pull through this and feel a little stronger after going through it. Every time we break down, we have to put ourselves back together with a little stronger glue until the glue is strong enough to keep us from falling apart. Keep expressing your feelings, it\'s a way of purging stagnant grief . Love and light to you!
Wishing you anniversary memories that are sweet and cpmforting. i know in the memories there is also sadness, but how great that we have lovely ones too. Sometimes this life we now have is overwhelming, but we make it through with strenght we didn\'t know we had. love and hugs, Sallie