Headed towards something...
So I talked to my social worker today who helps me to get my meds and she asked some questions that I probably totally took the wrong way.
First, she asked me why I was so worried about school and maybe I just needed to look at it more positively. SERIOUSLY???? Like that thought hadn't occurred to me? I keep trying to have a positive attitude and to visualize myself being successful etc. but what it comes down to is that I am TERRIFIED of screwing up again. Ugh!
Second, she asked me what I wanted from the clinic that I go to. She implied that I looked at my Dr. like she was the curer of all ills and that I had some responsibility myself. NO SHIT! I love my pdoc, she is absolutely amazing, but it isn't her responsibility to "cure" me. I just want out of this depression and I realize that some of it has to come from me, and some from the meds, and some from talking it over with my pdoc. GRRRR!!!!! I am not expecting someone else to do the work for me. I just need a little help right now.
The upside to all of this is I should have a refill of my meds in a week or so, so at least that turned out well. I am probably not being fair to this lady at all. She is very nice. I am just now all worried that I look different than I thought I did. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself too much. Maybe I am over-identifying being bp. BUT with all of that, I have STILL blown it twice in grad school and I don't want to blow it again. I don't even know how much of my current mood is fear of school and how much is the coming fall getting to me. Fall is usually really rough.
I've been trying really hard to ignore the ideas I came up with for an exit plan. I really don't have the urge to hurt myself at this particular moment, but the ideas enter my head at inopportune times. My pdoc knows about them and is seeing me often to check on me. I have a tenuous grip on life right now, and I'm not all that worried about it.
My fear about school is so much more that simply failing but what happens after I do. If I have to drop out this semester, that's it. There's no more money for me to go after that. I HAVE to make this work. I can't flake out or decide to do anything else. I don't have any kind of backup plan, and this is the ONLY gig I can think of to do in order to become a "productive member of society." I was denied disability (no shock there) and I would have only been eligible for SSI which would not have paid my bills anyway. So... back to school I go. At least I only have to have my shit together once a week. If this doesn't work though, I have no plan. It HAS to. Which is a lot of pressure. Pressure that I'm folding under.
Please, God, let the next two weeks fly by? Wednesday, September 1 is my first day of class. Let's hope it goes okay, the professors are cool, and I can just fly by this semester. Let's hope.
In the meantime... I feel like I'm driving a Toyota with no brakes heading towards a brick wall. It may turn out to be styrofoam and wood or it may be one giant ass brick and mortar bitch.
First, she asked me why I was so worried about school and maybe I just needed to look at it more positively. SERIOUSLY???? Like that thought hadn't occurred to me? I keep trying to have a positive attitude and to visualize myself being successful etc. but what it comes down to is that I am TERRIFIED of screwing up again. Ugh!
Second, she asked me what I wanted from the clinic that I go to. She implied that I looked at my Dr. like she was the curer of all ills and that I had some responsibility myself. NO SHIT! I love my pdoc, she is absolutely amazing, but it isn't her responsibility to "cure" me. I just want out of this depression and I realize that some of it has to come from me, and some from the meds, and some from talking it over with my pdoc. GRRRR!!!!! I am not expecting someone else to do the work for me. I just need a little help right now.
The upside to all of this is I should have a refill of my meds in a week or so, so at least that turned out well. I am probably not being fair to this lady at all. She is very nice. I am just now all worried that I look different than I thought I did. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself too much. Maybe I am over-identifying being bp. BUT with all of that, I have STILL blown it twice in grad school and I don't want to blow it again. I don't even know how much of my current mood is fear of school and how much is the coming fall getting to me. Fall is usually really rough.
I've been trying really hard to ignore the ideas I came up with for an exit plan. I really don't have the urge to hurt myself at this particular moment, but the ideas enter my head at inopportune times. My pdoc knows about them and is seeing me often to check on me. I have a tenuous grip on life right now, and I'm not all that worried about it.
My fear about school is so much more that simply failing but what happens after I do. If I have to drop out this semester, that's it. There's no more money for me to go after that. I HAVE to make this work. I can't flake out or decide to do anything else. I don't have any kind of backup plan, and this is the ONLY gig I can think of to do in order to become a "productive member of society." I was denied disability (no shock there) and I would have only been eligible for SSI which would not have paid my bills anyway. So... back to school I go. At least I only have to have my shit together once a week. If this doesn't work though, I have no plan. It HAS to. Which is a lot of pressure. Pressure that I'm folding under.
Please, God, let the next two weeks fly by? Wednesday, September 1 is my first day of class. Let's hope it goes okay, the professors are cool, and I can just fly by this semester. Let's hope.
In the meantime... I feel like I'm driving a Toyota with no brakes heading towards a brick wall. It may turn out to be styrofoam and wood or it may be one giant ass brick and mortar bitch.
Replies