Head Noise
So many voices yelling in my head. One keeps saying "stupid, stupid, stupid" over in over again. Watching any show that would interest me is near impossible. Women being stupid and allowing themselves to be used and controlled by men, Of course this BS is written by men with one had jerking off and the other typing. I wonder what it is like to be made stupid by sex. I have been through some really horny times and still I could not imagine lying, forcing coercing someone to get what I want then abusing them when I didn't.
I was talking to a friend last night and I told him dating was scary for me because so many times when I told a man I wasn't interested I was verbally abused and even physically assaulted. I have been grabbed and forcibly kissed while being called names. I have been shoved, had a hand raised as if to slap or punch me. My friend said, "Maybe you pick the wrong men to date" I told him he was blaming the victim. He apologized. He is a good guy but it seems like even good guys don't get it.
Getting fat has certain advantages. It takes that shit right off the table and simply proves my worth lies in my body alone.
Messed of mixture of rage, hurt and fear. I don't know what set all this off.
I was a person, a kid, a human being. They didn't have any right to do that to me. They didn't have any right to play with me like I was a doll; spreading my legs and poking around. I wasn't a doll, I was a person. I trusted, I had feelings and thoughts. In the end I didn't matter.
Each yelling voice is a different part of my childhood. It wasn't heard then. It was squashed and ignored. It was made to feel wrong and unimportant. Not knowing what else to do I gave each of them their own life. I gave them new names and new looks and each one had their own strengths. The problem is that the more I try to work through my stuff and learn about what I am feeling, the louder they get. Well....not all of them. The one I named Jamie gets out of hand. Jamie is my anger, rage and protection. Jamie will also hurt me to protect me. I love my Jamie side. He tries so hard to keep me safe. He has all the impulse control of an adolescent boy. My Jamie side is the one that bullies me and calls me names. I think he feels that if he keeps me squashed down I won't do something that leaves me vulnerable.
Then again.....I don't know. I do know all the voices belong to me but they all have different feelings about things. They tire me out.
I was talking to a friend last night and I told him dating was scary for me because so many times when I told a man I wasn't interested I was verbally abused and even physically assaulted. I have been grabbed and forcibly kissed while being called names. I have been shoved, had a hand raised as if to slap or punch me. My friend said, "Maybe you pick the wrong men to date" I told him he was blaming the victim. He apologized. He is a good guy but it seems like even good guys don't get it.
Getting fat has certain advantages. It takes that shit right off the table and simply proves my worth lies in my body alone.
Messed of mixture of rage, hurt and fear. I don't know what set all this off.
I was a person, a kid, a human being. They didn't have any right to do that to me. They didn't have any right to play with me like I was a doll; spreading my legs and poking around. I wasn't a doll, I was a person. I trusted, I had feelings and thoughts. In the end I didn't matter.
Each yelling voice is a different part of my childhood. It wasn't heard then. It was squashed and ignored. It was made to feel wrong and unimportant. Not knowing what else to do I gave each of them their own life. I gave them new names and new looks and each one had their own strengths. The problem is that the more I try to work through my stuff and learn about what I am feeling, the louder they get. Well....not all of them. The one I named Jamie gets out of hand. Jamie is my anger, rage and protection. Jamie will also hurt me to protect me. I love my Jamie side. He tries so hard to keep me safe. He has all the impulse control of an adolescent boy. My Jamie side is the one that bullies me and calls me names. I think he feels that if he keeps me squashed down I won't do something that leaves me vulnerable.
Then again.....I don't know. I do know all the voices belong to me but they all have different feelings about things. They tire me out.
Replies