Head & Heart- The battles
identity: Looking at paper work I have from my past (which is very limited) My bio.mother was a victim of rape, thus, here I am. Its very hard for me to know where I am wanted. I have created a monster within myself. It creeps up on me when I need someone the most and it says "You stupid little girl, your own family didnt plan or want you, how could someone else?" It's something that gives me heartbreak in every form and makes my relationship so unhealthy. My heart aches, crys, bursts, turns upsidedown, inside out and falls to the ground every time because I want that embrace, I want that full feeling of love, want, and acceptance but i'm afraid that if someone knows who I am broken down and inside out, they wouldn't want me anymore.
My heart knows what it desires and who it desires so then why does my head fight back? My words come out wrong, my actions are different than what I'm feeling deep inside. For exsample the smallest things, like touch. Instead of embracing it, I automaticly jerk back. my heart is saying "its okay, relax, try again, youre okay" but in my head I start to panic. Then thats when the trouble starts. Instead of talking I then shut down and it makes him in terms think something is wrong with him, when in fact thats not the case. When I see that look in his eyes that he's disapointed, I get frustrated and beat myself down pretty bad. I start to feel ashamed, guilt, disapointed in myself, failure.
Help me.... Please....
My heart knows what it desires and who it desires so then why does my head fight back? My words come out wrong, my actions are different than what I'm feeling deep inside. For exsample the smallest things, like touch. Instead of embracing it, I automaticly jerk back. my heart is saying "its okay, relax, try again, youre okay" but in my head I start to panic. Then thats when the trouble starts. Instead of talking I then shut down and it makes him in terms think something is wrong with him, when in fact thats not the case. When I see that look in his eyes that he's disapointed, I get frustrated and beat myself down pretty bad. I start to feel ashamed, guilt, disapointed in myself, failure.
Help me.... Please....
Replies
so much of what you are saying about behavior and how it transforms you on every level, shakens me. I feel so much of these feelings. Abandonment, loneliness, selfworth, acceptance, and most of all if we even deserve such a thing called love. It is so hard to let others in when we have so many questions left unanswered. There is hope perhaps one day we will come to terms and find what we are longing for, perhaps....
It\'s such a heart breaking thing that any of us have to go through such hardships at all. It feels good to have someone who understands what I\'m talking about. I\'m trying to keep above water. Thank you for your support and understanding!
You are in truth a beautiful child of the Universe, you are both worthy and deserving of love. Try to begin by really loving yourself, do not be hard on yourself for what you preceive as short commings. We are ever changing creatures, forgive what you do not like about yourself. I like to think of each new days rising sun as a new beginning for myself. Know that you are indeed a treasure and valued.
I know that the past is important, but the future is more so.
The past can\'t be changed, blame and forgiveness, aren\'t as important as acceptance. Accepting that shit has happened and can\'t be changed, can give you the freedom to learn, to move on, to live in the now and to look forwards.
I don\'t believe you have to forgive anyone (unless you want to) except yourself.
Even then, acceptance is still the key, accept the things you perceive as bad or negative about yourself. You might find they are not as bad as you think. Feeling anger, sadness, etc, emotions that are perceived as negative is not bad. We need these emotions for self preservation. It\'s only when they take over that they can become a problem. To feel hurt or angry in a moment is fine as long as you acknowledge your feelings and let it pass.
I\'m not the best at expressing myself sometimes, I hope this makes sense.
I know, a lot of people say that you have to forgive everyone before you can have a happy life. From my experience that\'s not the case. Acceptance and realizing that other peoples bullshit has very little to do with me. lol And the only person that you have any control over is yourself.
From your other journals, I see that you are already in this place, just struggling with the forgiveness.
Something I do is try to look at things from out side. As if I was a listening to a friend, and respond as such. What would you say if it was your best friend telling you this story?
I like your status, and hope you see them to.
Love and hugs xxxxx