Head & Heart- The battles

identity: Looking at paper work I have from my past (which is very limited) My bio.mother was a victim of rape, thus, here I am. Its very hard for me to know where I am wanted. I have created a monster within myself. It creeps up on me when I need someone the most and it says "You stupid little girl, your own family didnt plan or want you, how could someone else?" It's something that gives me heartbreak in every form and makes my relationship so unhealthy. My heart aches, crys, bursts, turns upsidedown, inside out and falls to the ground every time because I want that embrace, I want that full feeling of love, want, and acceptance but i'm afraid that if someone knows who I am broken down and inside out, they wouldn't want me anymore.
My heart knows what it desires and who it desires so then why does my head fight back? My words come out wrong, my actions are different than what I'm feeling deep inside. For exsample the smallest things, like touch. Instead of embracing it, I automaticly jerk back. my heart is saying "its okay, relax, try again, youre okay" but in my head I start to panic. Then thats when the trouble starts. Instead of talking I then shut down and it makes him in terms think something is wrong with him, when in fact thats not the case. When I see that look in his eyes that he's disapointed, I get frustrated and beat myself down pretty bad. I start to feel ashamed, guilt, disapointed in myself, failure.
 
Help me.... Please....