Head, heart and all the pain inbetween

So, It's Friday, I made it until the weekend without a breakdown! Ashlee went to college everyday and I stayed at home. Pops helped look after lola and me. But It's come quickly to realization tonight that it could be the last weekend i'm with Ashlee before I go to mums. I say that as Ash has still not made a decision. But I do know I want more, more for myself then sitting at home in pain. I want to go to college and live my life and I can't do that struggling at home alone. It's not just about Ash its about me too. And Lola. She's like 14 weeks and hasn't been walked by Ash or me in over a week. That's not fair on her. We have other responsibilities, it breaks my heart because if someone told us that about their Staff puppy I'd be disgusted and tell then to be ashamed. I just thought 'right im going to do it. I'm going to take Lola since ash is drawing' and then i cant an electric shock go down my spine and now my entire body is screaming and limp and twitching. I can't walk her. But Ash hasn't had time either. It's like She's trying to do it all and if she focus's on one aspect the everything else crumbles. Because she's trying to do so much at least one thing has to suffer at all ends. Like because she's trying to focus on College and her mental illness right now, her responsibility to Lola and me is suffering. I feel like a Pawn in the chess board of Ash's life. If she says she wants to continue doing college 5 days a week then I have a choice to either suck it up for 8 months which hypothetically I have put a lot of thought into but today I realized by doing that its not just me that suffers but Lola too- and that really upsets me. Or I can live at my mums with Lola 5 nights a week and just see Ash at weekends, but even then its only 2 nights. I'd miss her so bad, the idea of it hurts inside like somebody stabbed me so deep somewhere I didn't even know I had.
I'm having nightmares about me being terminally ill and ash not being there supporting me. It was terrifying, really scary I woke up shaking and drenched in sweat and tears.
This is all playing on my mind plus everything. I just feel like she doesn't give a sod about her responsibilities.Inc; Me.
Seriously need a hug.