Hawaii trip memoir (jumped off a cliff)

Well, I’ve been out of town or more specifically on vacation for three days now! Hawaii to be exact. It’s been interesting!

      For some history, I usually don’t enjoy vacations because they mean being stuck with my family for an extended period of time. Being an only child, I’m a bit of a loner and value my “me time”. My parents get into fights easily on vacations and even being around them normally can be exhausting, constantly navigating awkward and uncomfortable social situations. I absorb the atmosphere like a sponge, and when it’s a negative one I end up miserable easily. I also tend to dissociate in unfamiliar situations, which vacations are the definition of “unusual situation”. 

But this time, I’m trying really hard to turn that all around. I’m trying to distance myself a bit and notice when I feel unwell. I’m also trying to do my own thing more instead of following what my parents planned out, so I’m sketching a bit and doing things they wouldn’t be proud of. Yesterday, I went snorkeling and came out with scrapes all over my feet. Then I went cliff diving. Yes, me, cliff diving! I honestly think it was such a big moment, because I’m a massive anxiety ridden fucking scaredy cat. The cliff I jumped was 50-60 feet, which I found out afterwards is a little extreme for a beginner. It was exhilirating. 

When we arrived, people were jumping in, people were cheering, the atmosphere was so lively and cheerful that I really wanted to do it too. It took so much convincing. So. Much. I wanted to do it because in my mind I was thinking, if I actually manage to jump off that cliff, I can literally do fucking anything- if I’m ever in a situation where I’m anxious and unsure, I can just think about that time I literally jumped off a cliff. It’s the ultimate encouragement. I wanted to break the mold for once and do something fucking stupid and pointless but show off that I can. 

I took that approach in convincing my parents. My mom finally yelled that she agreed if my dad would do it too, then he took a good fifteen minutes pausing in between changing into his swim trunks wondering whether he was going to take this stupid risk. I ran out in my swimsuit and an old lady who’d recognized me from before said “are you gonna do it?” all excited and I said yeah! 

There was this girl standing there who had literally not jumped for half an hour, she kept leaning down to look over the edge, staring, I think waiting for her body to somehow do it on her own. I did not want to be that girl, so I decided I’d do it fast, take a running start. I looked down at the water once and I didn’t even think of what was about to happen, I was going to jump off a damn cliff and fall and hit that water. Then I just jumped. 

For what felt like much longer than one second I was just staring at the water coming up to meet me, and I had that horrifying exhilirating feelingn in my stomach from when you’re falling. Then I hit and it was cold as hell- all bubbles and white and blue, and there was pain in my leg. I was disoriented for a moment and almost couldn’t find the surface, there was a milisecond of panic before I just swam up for my life, thinking if I don’t do this I won’t do anything anymore. Then I surfaced and there was cheering. Even my mom was cheering! So many people were egging me on and cheering for me, maybe because I was one of the only girls. 

I took deep breaths and waited for my dad to come down too- looking up, that damn cliff was so high, I was thinking damn, how did I come from up there to down here so fast? I headed for the ladder and began to climb back up. I’d say the worst part of that whole ordeal was the ladder! It was rusty, bumpy, generally very uncomfortable on bare feet and hands. The climb up was hell on my arms. About halfway up my dad fell with a yell that, in Shanghai we would affectionately liken to a pig being slaughtered. The splash was gigantic. 

The ladder took such a toll on me, I thought that after all this I just had to keep climbing and get back up or I’d be stuck in the water forever, but my arms were turning to rubber and cooked spaghetti. People were under me and I had no choice but to keep climbing. When I got to the top I actually became faint, my vision went all strange with this pattern like a brain, like a TV that’s working but is very staticy and there were colors flashing behind my eyes. I felt like I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I suddenly felt so weak I couldn’t stand, I even thought I would vomit for a moment. It was overall pretty terrible :) 

I sat down and the moment passed and I finally put my shoes on and we left. I think the faintness was the ladder strangely enough, not the dive! I felt fine after that except for the pain in my leg, which is now a purple bruise the size of my hand. I guess that’s my souvenir of this whole crazy experience. 

Funny story, my dad filmed my jump perfecfly. When my dad jumped, my mom messed up the filming. In the video all you see is him psyching himself up to jump, then he steps out of the frame and you hear that SCREAM, and then she pans down and you see a splash and the video just ends. She messed up at the exact wrong time.

Overall, so far, this has been better than past vacations. I had some moments of mental circling today, but I felt that I’d be better if I journalled here. I’ve tried to keep in touch with friends to ground myself but everything feels so different and disconnected so it’s not working. I think I’m very influenced by my environment. It feels so different here that I can’t even imagine life back in California anymore, and the people who I knew there don’t seem real anymore. It’s not a horrible feeling, as I feel very immersed in Hawaii and where I am. But still, I’ve been having to hold off that completely floating feeling.

And I’ve been having quite a bit of art anxiety. I argue in my head that I’ll have very few chances in my life to come to Hawaii and see the sights, the environment, feel the local feel, so I have to capture it in my sketchbook, which is a much better memoir to me than a photo. But I also don’t damn well feel like drawing sometimes, I might look at a plant and think it’s beautiful and want to sketch it but I also don’t want to. I think part of it is legitly wanting to take a break but the other part is a lot of art anxiety, I get rushed from place to place and it’s hard to draw on the go. And I feel pressured to draw to post stuff on my instagram. It’s so... small! I want very badly for my art to be noticed and to gain more of a following, and that requires some consistency in posting, a lot of art needs to be drawn. So I feel I need some turnout from this trip, and all of it is unfortunately just making me not want to draw. 

But some anxiety is a choice. 

It’s close to bedtime now. Time to wake up again tomorrow for another day in this weird place. I keep myself anchored by looking at the things I’d look at at home, like blogs and comics.

In two days or so we will be in Tokyo. I’m excited but also a little scared. There will surely be so much more to see there! I feel it will be more drawing, more overwhelming, more crazy. Hawaii (the Big Island specifically, where we are) has actually been very rural and bare.