Having to be the bigger man

My ex-sponsor keeps showing up in meetings. I leave so that they don't feel bad and go to another meeting. They were my sponsor after I worked steps 1-8 with one sponsor, and I was in the middle of 9. So they were helping me with my 9th step, and I didn't want to make amends to someone that I harmed. I was arrogant and prideful, and they fired me. I caused them harm by bringing up trauma in their life that they didn't want to deal with. I'm willing to make amends to them even though I got advice from people, and they are saying that I didn't do anything wrong. I'm trying to be the bigger man here and make amends, though. I just have so much resentment from last night's meeting that I need to talk it out, so I'm typing here. I'm also talking with my current sponsor. They are helping me a lot, too. 

Last night, they checked my vaccine card at the door. That would be okay if they checked everyone's card at the door, but they didn't. They were checking some of them, but not all. My ex-sponsor was the one in charge of checking cards, but there was another woman who was doing it, too. She checked mine, and made sure that it was okay. I don't like showing my vaccine card because it has my dead name on it. For trans people, it's hard showing their dead name and for me it's especially hard. So when some people just had to make an attempt to show their card and not even show it when I had to show mine, it made me upset. I know that it's because I have shame around my dead name and I feel like things should be moving faster in transition when they are moving at God's speed.

Things happen in God's time, and I need to accept that. I can't change my name until my brother chooses my middle name for me, and he's working on it. On Friday he was talking about middle names for me, so I know he's working on it. I don't know about my stepdad, but I know my brother is thinking about it. I need to be patient and wait for things on God's time, and stop rushing them. I want to rush surgeries, name change, everything, but it all is going to happen when God wants it to happen. As it is, I have 7 months today and I need to be strong enough to deal with painkillers and all of that, and I'm not sure if I am. So it's good that I haven't gotten near surgery yet. God always knows best.

As for my ex-sponsor, I've been praying for them. That's all I can do. I say a version of the Sick Man's Prayer. God, this is a sick person. How can I be helpful towards them? God save me from being angry. Thy will, not mine, be done. Amen. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I caused enough wreckage in my life. I want to be a decent man now, a man of courage and strength. As my brother said, be the man that my dad and Mr. Rogers wants me to be. I got mad at him for that one because I was upset at the time at my stepmom (whole different story). But it calmed me down, so I have to remember that. With them, be the man that they want me to be. 

Sometimes I think that being a man is so hard, that why would people choose to be one. But it's worth it.