having a good night

well - it's a been nice night for sure. at least after the conclusions

I have had - it's all has been made worthwhile...

I traveled to the airport to pick up a couple of guests.

They were kind of snooty with me - the one guy - a young whipper snapper

treated me like a servant - He took over the radio and played his music, I just felt like

an old lost fool. It really made me reach for resources within me

to keep from falling into a spinning head full of anger - but I just reassured

myself that I can weather the slings and arrows and keep on with my life -

even if - some if not all of the relationships here at the monastery inspire

an existentialist awe and mental haze about traveling down my own path in life -

and having the strength of character to command respect or just the personality

that engenders kind responses. Sorry my friends here you all and my family all make me

feel valued and loved - I suppose I just felt like a battered an old grandfather today

dealing with this kid and other guest.but I just decided to keep on keeping on.

When I came back to the monastery we all gathered for dinner and as it was at a special

time everyone talked about things rather than eating in silence. The conversation felt stupid - and it made me 

question my staying here. Do I like it? Then it came to me that they are talking about what they like -

so judging it may be not really a great thing to do - as what I talk about may seem stupid to them.

Different strokes. 

I think I've come to see that I tend to have an instinct or impulse to fulfill a kind of aesthetic

of behavior at times that negates the relationships and dynamics at hand - - to be perfectly kind or something....what do I mean by that?.
It means I don't see myself at times outside of the 'way of behavior or being' that inevitably

I feel drawn back down into time and again. So this notion is giving me a boost.

Boost enough to fight my own battles and chart a path forward.

So much to talk about and my therapist is on break until a week from Monday!

Have a great night folks!! You are lubbed! :) ((hug))