Having a Fat Life
I'm having a heck of a time with weight loss. To tell you the honest to goodness truth, I'm not actively trying anymore. It just seems like too much.
I was thin, like, nicely thin, up until I was 21. I didn't know I was thin, I felt fat all the time. But now that I AM fat, I realize I was thin! Now I"m five foot seven and one hundred and ninety five pounds. And I'm rather embarassed.
Last December, January and Feburary I joined a fitness group. I watched what I ate, and I exercised three times a week for an hour with the group and on my own two days a week. I lost almost 20 inches all over my body, but I only lost 5lbs!!!! And I worked my tucus off. I felt really defeated. Only 5lbs in three months.
So I gave up the class, it was a hassle to fit it in as it was. But I don't have the get up and go to do it on my own. I go for one or two walks a day. During the daytime with Marlow, and at night with one of the dogs(they alternate). Plus, I do wii fit(if you call that exercise) and I try to get on the stationary bike, but it doesn't really happen.
I can't afford to eat that healthy. If that makes sense. We are on a budget that doesn't allow many veggies and fruits. Not to mention, in general, I hate fruit. Ugh. But anyways, due to budget, most of what we buy for the last month and a half has been frozen, instant and cheap.
And I'm stressed to the max. And I'm a stress eater. I also find it hard to eat during the day. Usually when Marlow is captured in her high chair my brain kicks into 'what can I do super quick while she eats and can't immediatly undo it' mode. For the last few days I have made myself sit down and eat with her at noon. But then I don't get hungry again until eight or nine at night!
Most of it is belly bulge too. My arms and legs are in great shape. Ok, well, my legs are in great shape. My arms are passable :).
And it doesn't help much that Joey is how he is. He doesn't ever compliment me anymore. We had a fight one day, and he told me, making sure to stress that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings(this was on the tail end of the fight) that I should try to lose some weight, becuase he doesn't want it to get to the point where he isn't attracted to me anymore. Or we will go to the mall and he will see a womans shirt he likes and say 'oh, that's a nice shirt' then he will turn and look at me and then back to the shirt and go 'oh, it would look great on you if you lost a few pounds'. I honestly don't think he is out to hurt me, but every remark stings. And he has been losing weight. I tell him all the time how good he looks. So after he has weighed himself, announces he lost another pound, then pokes my middle and walks off, I head for the cookies.
I've tried talking to him. And he tells me not to take it so personally. His own father has been picking on Joey's weight since he got bigger, so I think it may be second nature to him. He tells me he is concerned about my health with me being bigger. And everytime I look in the mirror....I"m fatter!!
I'm having a fat life. And I don't think I'll ever have a thin life again. I just wanted to vent a little. Get it out. But now I'll go back to my thin family and friends, after all, my fat self needs people to orbit around me!
I was thin, like, nicely thin, up until I was 21. I didn't know I was thin, I felt fat all the time. But now that I AM fat, I realize I was thin! Now I"m five foot seven and one hundred and ninety five pounds. And I'm rather embarassed.
Last December, January and Feburary I joined a fitness group. I watched what I ate, and I exercised three times a week for an hour with the group and on my own two days a week. I lost almost 20 inches all over my body, but I only lost 5lbs!!!! And I worked my tucus off. I felt really defeated. Only 5lbs in three months.
So I gave up the class, it was a hassle to fit it in as it was. But I don't have the get up and go to do it on my own. I go for one or two walks a day. During the daytime with Marlow, and at night with one of the dogs(they alternate). Plus, I do wii fit(if you call that exercise) and I try to get on the stationary bike, but it doesn't really happen.
I can't afford to eat that healthy. If that makes sense. We are on a budget that doesn't allow many veggies and fruits. Not to mention, in general, I hate fruit. Ugh. But anyways, due to budget, most of what we buy for the last month and a half has been frozen, instant and cheap.
And I'm stressed to the max. And I'm a stress eater. I also find it hard to eat during the day. Usually when Marlow is captured in her high chair my brain kicks into 'what can I do super quick while she eats and can't immediatly undo it' mode. For the last few days I have made myself sit down and eat with her at noon. But then I don't get hungry again until eight or nine at night!
Most of it is belly bulge too. My arms and legs are in great shape. Ok, well, my legs are in great shape. My arms are passable :).
And it doesn't help much that Joey is how he is. He doesn't ever compliment me anymore. We had a fight one day, and he told me, making sure to stress that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings(this was on the tail end of the fight) that I should try to lose some weight, becuase he doesn't want it to get to the point where he isn't attracted to me anymore. Or we will go to the mall and he will see a womans shirt he likes and say 'oh, that's a nice shirt' then he will turn and look at me and then back to the shirt and go 'oh, it would look great on you if you lost a few pounds'. I honestly don't think he is out to hurt me, but every remark stings. And he has been losing weight. I tell him all the time how good he looks. So after he has weighed himself, announces he lost another pound, then pokes my middle and walks off, I head for the cookies.
I've tried talking to him. And he tells me not to take it so personally. His own father has been picking on Joey's weight since he got bigger, so I think it may be second nature to him. He tells me he is concerned about my health with me being bigger. And everytime I look in the mirror....I"m fatter!!
I'm having a fat life. And I don't think I'll ever have a thin life again. I just wanted to vent a little. Get it out. But now I'll go back to my thin family and friends, after all, my fat self needs people to orbit around me!
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