Having a family

I was thinking about my little sister who has grown into a really 'trad wife'. She's a perfectionist homemaker and incidentally a really good, attentive mom. I find myself on the outside of her orbit now. She lives very far away and rarely responds to a text here and there. She's completely consumed with her family.

i was trying to understand her and find commonality with her, even so far away and now distant. I was wrestling with my own challenges here today.

With the little time off that I had today, I tried to direct myself and have my own interests fulfilled here at the monastery while serving the community. I had a hard time with it. Absolutes came to mind which always freezes me like a deer in headlights.

I came undone a little and thought, as I did my chores, about really wanting something today to be 'about me' and again  I was challenged to do so (because I am a perfectionist unfortunately when it comes to my own pursuits and life vectors and imaginings.) Not knowing freezes me in a question mark. But I thought, well, maybe because of that hard to satisfy self I've been attracted to just give up all personal life and dedicate it to a group as a way of finding peace, fellowship, clarity and security.

So, again I found myself trying to find commonality with my sister and I thought about how she has subjugated her immediate life for the work of committing to her family and children and I thought about it and I reflected that I have done the same but in a different way. It may sound cliche but there are all different kinds of families. This here on the site as well feels like one too.

I've found a joy in my commitment here now today. I feel a sense of personal satisfaction with what I'm doing, if at times mixed with a little ambivalence:). Maybe at times that haunts all or each of us in whichever family we are serving.:)