haven't written in a few days

it seems like I start to do well, and I start to question myself on if I actually have any problems or if they're just in my head.  like, I'll be able to eat decent meals and exercise and I start to think how it's not that hard to eat right, and I don't have as bad of problems as other people, so they've probably got ED and I'm just doing this to myself for whatever reason.  Then about a week later, I realize that I've only eaten a few hundred calories a day for a few days in a row, and I think about how much I hate myself all the time, and I want to keep losing weight even after I've gotten to a point where I look 'normal'.
on a brighter note, I resisted hitting several times this weekend.  it got pretty bad when my roommate had the whole hockey team over at 2 in the morning for a drinking party.  I thought I was going to have a panic attack and I wanted to hit to make myself calm down.  luckily my friend yelled at everyone to get out, because they were loud and making a mess (he didn't know how crazy it was making me, and doesn't know how much it meant to me for him to kick them out).
today was a down day.  I felt like dying a lot this morning, not that I was actually planning anything, just that it felt like there was nothing left for me in the world.  that's kinda how I feel most days though, so nothing new really.



I don\'t know if this site was good for me. Sure, writing a journal is a nice feature, but I did come to the realization that I could keep going on my binge/purge/fast cycle and let my weight bounce, or I could try to \'fix\' myself by restricting to 800 or less calories. It keeps me from getting that obsessive thought of food after a few days of fasting which leads to binging. I don\'t think it\'s safe for being with a disorder to be around people with similar problems unless there is a professional moderating them..