have to leave the house today, anxiety about it. Sat Apr 26, 2015
I AM SKIPPING THE SONG TODAY, GOT NOTHIN.
ALL CAP'S SO PEOPLE CAN READ IF YA HAVE BAD EYES LIKE ME. SO I'M GOING TO DO ALL CAP'S CAUSE I CAN'T READ WHAT I WROTE YESTERDAY.
OK HERE IT IS. I AM DRIVING OUT TO MY B.F.'S HOUSE TODAY THIS AFTERNOON, HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN A LONG TIME AND I REALLY WANT TO GO, BUT I AM SO ANXIETY ABOUT IT. I HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE LEAVING MY LITTLE APT. THINK I HAVE STAGE ONE AGORAPHOBIA, KNOW I DO. IF I CAN GET OUT OF LEAVING, I WILL BE SHAKY ALL DAY AND I'M OF COURSE RUNNING LOW ON MY ANXIETY MED'S AS USUAL. I AM HAVING A HARD TIME JUST TYPING. IF I DRIVE, THEN I CAN COME BACK EARLIER THAN IF HE CAME AND GOT ME. I HOPE I DON'T GET TOO NERVOUS. THEN WE START FIGHTING. AT LEAST I WILL GET A MEAL. I AM SO HUNGRY. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS POOR, AND THIS HUNGRY. I KNOW I DON'T EAT EVEN ENOUGH, STARTING TO THINK MY AUNT IS RIGHT AND I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, WELL I KNOW I DO. ITS NOT RIGHT. I DON'T KNOW AT WHAT POINT I GOT SO BAD AND DISILLUSIONED, BUT IT HAPPENED. I REALLY DO TRY. I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. EVEN AS A CHILD. I THINK ABOUT IT AND I CAN'T STOP, THEN IT GET'S WORSE THEN I THINK ABOUT IT EVEN MORE, THE CYCLE IS BURNT IN MY BRAIN. I AM AFRAID TO LET MY GUARD DOWN FOR EVEN A DAY, CAUSE THAT'S WHEN YA REALLY GET EITHER LET DOWN OR SOMETHING TRAUMATIC HAPPEN'S, SO MY GUARD IS SO UP ALL THE TIME. THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE IT. AND IM NOT HAPPY. NOT REALLY LIVING. I WANT TO LIVE. SO ANYWAY HAVE TO DRIVE ON THE HYWAY, YIKES, THEY ARE CRAZY AND MEAN AND SO FAST OUT THERE. OH WELL, I WILL BE IN THE SLOW LANE WITH SOME LITTLE CAR ON MY ASS THE WHOLE WAY. WHY SO CLOSE? OK I GUESS THAT'S IT. NOT LEAVING TILL LATER TODAY OR EARLY EVENING, SO I HAVE A LONG TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. I WANT TO PUT MY HEAD RIGHT BACK IN THAT SAND. OK THAT IS ALL. WILL BE BACK TOMORROW SOMETIME. GOOD LUCK TO ME. SO AFRAID, LIKE A BIG BABY. OK COULD GO ON FOREVER SO I'LL JUST SAY THE END......
ALL CAP'S SO PEOPLE CAN READ IF YA HAVE BAD EYES LIKE ME. SO I'M GOING TO DO ALL CAP'S CAUSE I CAN'T READ WHAT I WROTE YESTERDAY.
OK HERE IT IS. I AM DRIVING OUT TO MY B.F.'S HOUSE TODAY THIS AFTERNOON, HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN A LONG TIME AND I REALLY WANT TO GO, BUT I AM SO ANXIETY ABOUT IT. I HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE LEAVING MY LITTLE APT. THINK I HAVE STAGE ONE AGORAPHOBIA, KNOW I DO. IF I CAN GET OUT OF LEAVING, I WILL BE SHAKY ALL DAY AND I'M OF COURSE RUNNING LOW ON MY ANXIETY MED'S AS USUAL. I AM HAVING A HARD TIME JUST TYPING. IF I DRIVE, THEN I CAN COME BACK EARLIER THAN IF HE CAME AND GOT ME. I HOPE I DON'T GET TOO NERVOUS. THEN WE START FIGHTING. AT LEAST I WILL GET A MEAL. I AM SO HUNGRY. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS POOR, AND THIS HUNGRY. I KNOW I DON'T EAT EVEN ENOUGH, STARTING TO THINK MY AUNT IS RIGHT AND I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, WELL I KNOW I DO. ITS NOT RIGHT. I DON'T KNOW AT WHAT POINT I GOT SO BAD AND DISILLUSIONED, BUT IT HAPPENED. I REALLY DO TRY. I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. EVEN AS A CHILD. I THINK ABOUT IT AND I CAN'T STOP, THEN IT GET'S WORSE THEN I THINK ABOUT IT EVEN MORE, THE CYCLE IS BURNT IN MY BRAIN. I AM AFRAID TO LET MY GUARD DOWN FOR EVEN A DAY, CAUSE THAT'S WHEN YA REALLY GET EITHER LET DOWN OR SOMETHING TRAUMATIC HAPPEN'S, SO MY GUARD IS SO UP ALL THE TIME. THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE IT. AND IM NOT HAPPY. NOT REALLY LIVING. I WANT TO LIVE. SO ANYWAY HAVE TO DRIVE ON THE HYWAY, YIKES, THEY ARE CRAZY AND MEAN AND SO FAST OUT THERE. OH WELL, I WILL BE IN THE SLOW LANE WITH SOME LITTLE CAR ON MY ASS THE WHOLE WAY. WHY SO CLOSE? OK I GUESS THAT'S IT. NOT LEAVING TILL LATER TODAY OR EARLY EVENING, SO I HAVE A LONG TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. I WANT TO PUT MY HEAD RIGHT BACK IN THAT SAND. OK THAT IS ALL. WILL BE BACK TOMORROW SOMETIME. GOOD LUCK TO ME. SO AFRAID, LIKE A BIG BABY. OK COULD GO ON FOREVER SO I'LL JUST SAY THE END......
Replies
I USE TO FEEL THE SAME WAY WHEN I WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE. I STILL GET LIKE THAT BUT NOT AS MUCH. I ONLY WILL GO SO FAR THOUGH.TO THINK I USE TO TRAVEL TO FAR AWAY CITIES.I HOPE ONCE YOU GET THERE YOU CAN CALM DOWN AND RELAX SOME!!!
Driving in Missouri is never easy. Some of my friends won\'t even drive there. Maybe sometime we can meet. I don\'t live too far from you. Thanks for the caps, helps me to read. Many hugs
I KNOW. I HAVE LIVED HERE ALL MY LIFE AND MY HEART IS SO HEAVY OVER ALL THE VIOLENCE, MY POOR LITTLE CITY. IT\'S SO DEPRESSING. WE ARE FOR THE MOST PART, I DO MEAN MOST PART, A VERY NICE AND FRIENDLY TOWN, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO PROUD OF ST. LOUIS. MY TOWN. THIS IS REALLY NOT HOW WE USUALLY ACT. THE ACTIONS OF THE LAST YR HAVE PUT A BIG BLACK EYE ON MY POOR LITTLE TOWN. AND YES THE ROADS HERE MAKE NO SINCE ANYMORE. THAT\'S PROGRESS FOR YA. AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE THE CARDINAL\'S AND THE ARCH WHICH I WOULD NEVER GO UP IN. SCARED OF HEIGHTS. THANKS FOR YOU\'R COMMENT. ALL CAP\'S SO I CAN READ WHAT I WRITE. THANKS AGAIN. NOT GIVING UP ON MY CITY, YES I OWN IT, HA. HUGS TO YOU.....