Have I really gotten anywhere?
I feel like I have been holding my breath for a very long time. I feel like I have been holding it for the past 7 months and never realized it until now. I have truly felt like I have been doing well most of the time. Like I have been making progress; like I have been getting somewhere. Now I stop for a minute and look at myself around myself and I am surprised by what I see. I feel like I have been walking around in a haze, just doing enough to get by; just doing enough to subsist. I look around now at my life at myself and I am apalled.
It is so difficult now to look ahead any length of time. Even planning my weekends seems like a feat now; I used to be such a planner. My house is an absolute mess, I am so drained that I clean haphazardly and infrequently. I have been trying deperately to lose weight to feel better about myself, only to sabotage myself at the supermarket and drive thru. I used to love cooking for myself and my husband; it feels like such an effort now. I know it's getting really bad all around because even though I pretty much hate the way everything is right now I just don't even have the will to care anymore. I think I want to fix it all sometime, but then think what is the point? It will just get crappy again so why fix it? I know deep down that I want things to be better, but how?
I feel like I am justing waiting for something to happen; I just have no idea what it is.
Before work this morning I cried; it was the first time I cried in the morning in two months. My DH is no help at all. As I cry and say I feel like my life is falling apart slowly and that I feel norrible about myself all he can say is that maybe I should try changing things then. Changing things??? Isn't that how this all started, with too much change? I feel like all I have done in the past 7 months is change! Change jobs from 1 that I mostly liked to 1 that is just to pay the bills; changed my lifestyle when I found out I was pregnant/TTC; changed my outlook on everything after my mc and losing my job. The list seems endless. All I want is for things to feel more normal, more like they used to be; I don't think that changing them yet again would really do me any good. He says that he wants to help me to support me, but I feel like he doedn't see or undertand the problem. He looks at me like he doesn't know who I am when I try to explain my fears and frustrations; it just makes me more afraid. Afraid that this will break us too and not just me. . .
I know that I have control over some of this, I just don't know where to draw my motivation from anymore. I feel like for the last 7 months I thought I was making it up and over the hill only to just now realize that I have been walking in circles.
I guess my question for anyone who reads this is. . . How can I fix this? Where can I find the motivation to find myself again, to find my "normal" again? Am I ruining my marriage? I feel so helpless . . . so hopeless.
It is so difficult now to look ahead any length of time. Even planning my weekends seems like a feat now; I used to be such a planner. My house is an absolute mess, I am so drained that I clean haphazardly and infrequently. I have been trying deperately to lose weight to feel better about myself, only to sabotage myself at the supermarket and drive thru. I used to love cooking for myself and my husband; it feels like such an effort now. I know it's getting really bad all around because even though I pretty much hate the way everything is right now I just don't even have the will to care anymore. I think I want to fix it all sometime, but then think what is the point? It will just get crappy again so why fix it? I know deep down that I want things to be better, but how?
I feel like I am justing waiting for something to happen; I just have no idea what it is.
Before work this morning I cried; it was the first time I cried in the morning in two months. My DH is no help at all. As I cry and say I feel like my life is falling apart slowly and that I feel norrible about myself all he can say is that maybe I should try changing things then. Changing things??? Isn't that how this all started, with too much change? I feel like all I have done in the past 7 months is change! Change jobs from 1 that I mostly liked to 1 that is just to pay the bills; changed my lifestyle when I found out I was pregnant/TTC; changed my outlook on everything after my mc and losing my job. The list seems endless. All I want is for things to feel more normal, more like they used to be; I don't think that changing them yet again would really do me any good. He says that he wants to help me to support me, but I feel like he doedn't see or undertand the problem. He looks at me like he doesn't know who I am when I try to explain my fears and frustrations; it just makes me more afraid. Afraid that this will break us too and not just me. . .
I know that I have control over some of this, I just don't know where to draw my motivation from anymore. I feel like for the last 7 months I thought I was making it up and over the hill only to just now realize that I have been walking in circles.
I guess my question for anyone who reads this is. . . How can I fix this? Where can I find the motivation to find myself again, to find my "normal" again? Am I ruining my marriage? I feel so helpless . . . so hopeless.
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