haunted
For the passed few days, I've been feeling really haunted by my husband's death. I keep thinking about how he decided to do this...what was going through his mind before he hung himself and the horror of this event. It's amazing how hard the mind works to either recreate events or remember every detail of a conversation or outing we had. I find myself teleported into memories and I try to remember EVERY possible detail. I feel afraid and super sensitive to everything around me. The feelings of loss and horror (I know I keep using this word, but it's how I feel) of my loss. I'm having a hard time letting go in every way. I can't move his belongings from the garage the way he had them set. Still can't believe you did this, Aaron.
Replies
Steph,
Sorry to hear that the last few days have been rougher than usual. I think the waves of grief and the haunting feelings are the new normal for now. I\'m wondering if it ever ends or if it just becomes less frequent or we just become better at hiding our feelings. What you went thru was a \"horror\" and you have have a right to feel that way.
I understand am also having trouble letting go. I\'m not ready to move his things either. And wake up at night reliving it all, even the details I wish I could forget. I think I have to first find a way to forgive him for the choices he made that affected our family and made him leave us forever. I have to forgive him for taking away the hope that things would change.
I\'m so sorry for the horror you endured and am here if you need to talk.
Thanks for being there and encouraging me.
I know Aaron\'s death came under far different circumstances than Sharry\'s, but I do understand the horror of sudden loss. One moment we are going about the day as we would any other, and then, our worlds are ripped to pieces. Our hearts broken. After 8 months I still am haunted as well. I remember holding her in my arms and begging her not to go, though she had been gone for hours. Every detail of that morning of darkness will never leave me. Somehow, though we may not be able to let go of the memories, and the pain we live with each day, we can survive it. Your life, over time, can and will get better. Don\'t force yourself to move belongings. Do that when your strength begins to return. Even then, a little at a time is working OK for me. When that wound in your heart starts to bleed, you know it\'s time to stop for the day. I will continue to pray for you and your children Stephanie. Strength to you friend.
Robert