Hasn't been this bad in years.
This past week, I've been more depressed than I have in years. Yes, I started Celexa again so it could be that starting to effect me. I've actually made plans to kill myself but my cat won't let me do anything. I couldn't leave him and I would not want to do anything to hurt him. He doesn't like other people and has spent hours sitting on me, snuggling with me and demanding petting.
Mom has been very insensitive to me lately. She comments that I should just buck up and go get a job despite the fact I have panic attacks. If I had a job I would set a better example for my children. She constantly says I don't pay enough for my rent, car payment and utilities and all of that. What does she want me to do? Not buy groceries or gasoline for the car? Or medicines? I already have to decide between groceries and medicine on occasions. She insults me and argues with me and then acts as if nothing happened despite the fact I'm in tears. She'd be much happier if I was gone.
Yes, I know, I shouldn't let anyone else's opinion matter. The only one that matters is my own. But for years, I've been told that everyone else must come first. I've put everyone else first. I don't know how to put myself first or anything as it feels wrong anytime I do anything for myself. I've tried for years to be the perfect daughter, and perfect mother. I tried to be a perfect wife. And you know what, I'm not perfect. I can never be perfect. Thus, I'm a failure. That hurts more than any of the insults. Even as I type, I am crying... and of course the cat is headbutting my arm.
Mom has been very insensitive to me lately. She comments that I should just buck up and go get a job despite the fact I have panic attacks. If I had a job I would set a better example for my children. She constantly says I don't pay enough for my rent, car payment and utilities and all of that. What does she want me to do? Not buy groceries or gasoline for the car? Or medicines? I already have to decide between groceries and medicine on occasions. She insults me and argues with me and then acts as if nothing happened despite the fact I'm in tears. She'd be much happier if I was gone.
Yes, I know, I shouldn't let anyone else's opinion matter. The only one that matters is my own. But for years, I've been told that everyone else must come first. I've put everyone else first. I don't know how to put myself first or anything as it feels wrong anytime I do anything for myself. I've tried for years to be the perfect daughter, and perfect mother. I tried to be a perfect wife. And you know what, I'm not perfect. I can never be perfect. Thus, I'm a failure. That hurts more than any of the insults. Even as I type, I am crying... and of course the cat is headbutting my arm.
Replies
Listen to your cat!!!!
It seems like a lot of those antidepressants have the side effect of causing thoughts of suicide. Is Celexa one of them? Maybe you should put in an emergency call to your Pdoc tomorrow and tell him or her of your suicidal ideation. Or call the pharmacist right now and see what they\'ve got to say.
At the very least, keep petting your cat!!! That sounds like the best medicine anyway!!!
I wonder if mothers know the pain that they can inflict. I\'m sorry that your relationship with your mom is so difficult. It sounds like you could use some comforting right now and it would be nice if your mom would give it to you. But I\'m so glad you have your kitty!!!!! I love cats! Petting a cat can be so soothing for the both of you!!!
Money must be tight if you have to choose between groceries and medicine. Have you ever poked around in Needymeds.org? Maybe you could get help with some of your meds.
If you\'re a perfectionist, you\'ll never be happy, because nothing is ever perfect!!!! NO ONE can be perfect, so don\'t feel that you\'re lacking!!! And don\'t feel that you\'re a failure. If you were able to be doing more, you would. So would I. I\'m on Disability, so I\'m a failure in many senses of the word. But I can\'t help it if my brain doesn\'t work right. It\'s not like I\'m being suicidal or delusional for the fun of it, LOL!!!!
Don\'t worry about setting a good example for your kids by working!!! Just be as loving to them as you can. Be the kind of mom to them that you wish your mom was to you! That\'s the greatest gift you can give them!
Now curl up with your cat and keep him purring!!! (((((Hugs)))))