Hasn't been this bad in years.

This past week, I've been more depressed than I have in years.  Yes, I started Celexa again so it could be that starting to effect me.  I've actually made plans to kill myself but my cat won't let me do anything.  I couldn't leave him and I would not want to do anything to hurt him.  He doesn't like other people and has spent hours sitting on me, snuggling with me and demanding petting. 
Mom has been very insensitive to me lately.  She comments that I should just buck up and go get a job despite the fact I have panic attacks.   If I had a job I would set a better example for my children.   She constantly says I don't pay enough for my rent, car payment and utilities and all of that.  What does she want me to do?  Not buy groceries or gasoline for the car?  Or medicines?  I already have to decide between groceries and medicine on occasions.    She insults me and argues with me and then acts as if nothing happened despite the fact I'm in tears.  She'd be much happier if I was gone. 
Yes, I know, I shouldn't let anyone else's opinion matter.  The only one that matters is my own.  But for years, I've been told that everyone else must come first.  I've put everyone else first.  I don't know how to put myself first or anything as it feels wrong anytime I do anything for myself.  I've tried for years to be the perfect daughter, and perfect mother.  I tried to be a perfect wife.   And you know what, I'm not perfect.  I can never be perfect.  Thus, I'm a failure.  That hurts more than any of the insults.   Even as I type, I am crying... and of course the cat is headbutting my arm.