Harsh Realities
This weekend was going really well. My DH and I had a nice breakfast out on Saturday, and I spent the afternoon with my mom and brother. DH spent time with a friend. It's one of the 1st times in a long time that we spent time apart where I didn't feel this desperate need to be with him. I felt almost normal and the day was relaxing and nice. Then reality set in.
My DH's best friend's wife is pregnant with their 1st child. She was only about 9 weeks ahead of me, and when we 1st found out I was pregnant my DH was thrilled that he and his BFF would have children the same age. I have been dilligently avoiding them ever since attending their wedding (on New Year's Eve) where she was 4 months pregnant, and no less than 10 guests asked when we would FINALLY have a baby. I've done a pretty good job I think, I avoided all but a glimpse at one ultrasound photo, and DH rarely brings up the topic.
I knew that she was due soon. I knew that we would be getting THAT phone call. I really really thought that I would be OK, or at least sort of OK. The phone call came yesterday morning just as I was heading out the door to the grocery store. My DH was on his cell and from his side of the conversation I gathered enough info to know that she had the baby. I didn't want to listen in on DH's conversation so I quickly left the room. I started to cry immediately and not only immense jealously, but this intense anger. This really suprised me; I didn't expect to feel so angry. I was ready for the sadness, even the jealousy, but not the overwhelming anger. My DH gets off the phone and says nothing to me about her having the baby, although it is clear to me that she did. This makes me more angry, that he is again avoiding the topic, I confront him. Before I can even think the words are tumbling out of my mouth. He says he wasn't keeping it from me, that he thought I knew. He said it so matter of factly, made it seem so inconsequentional; I am more angry now. I leave for the store and barely make it to the car before the tears come again. It's the 1st time I have avoided the baby aisle for 6 weeks.
When I get home DH is annoyed that the DIY project that he is working on in our dining room is not going well. I can't care about the project anymore. We started it when I found out I was pregnant; we wanted to get it done "before the baby" when we wouldn't have time. (Part of me wants the project finished; no more mess. And part of me wants it to go one forever; the next project was to be the baby's room.) He is very frustrated, he can't figure out how to fix it and after about 30 minutes of huffing and slamming he gives up. He goes to play xBox but gets stuck on a hard level and again the huffing and slamming. It's then, that exact moment, when I realized that he is also upset about the news from his friend. He is angry and hurt; yet I know that if I ask him if this is why he is upset I will get denials. And maybe it's true maybe he doesn't even know this is why he is upset (or maybe he isn't at all). I am angry again, because we never talk about our baby. He rarely acknowledges the loss, he has never even said the words. I say nothing and when he leaves the room I cry again.
We have a family dinner out every other week or so, as per his 93 year old grandma. She insists on going out even though the noise of most restaurants makes it impossible for her to hear anything. As we drive there is utter silence; the kind when there are so many unspoken things. DH grabs my hand and holds it as we drive, it is a small comfort. At dinner I am seated across from grandma, and end up being the only one she can hear or talk to. She asks about the friend's baby, and I can't find the words. She goes on and on about babies; and endless conversation to herself where I just nod to keep from losing it. She doesn't know about our loss, and although I can't really be angry I am annoyed that she just keeps going. She notices my memorial bracelet, and says it's pretty. She asks if I always had it; and I say no as I choke back tears. On the way home there is silence again; and again DH holds my hand.
I am so struck by the harsh reality of it all. Still now when I think about it I am jealous, sad, and so horribly angry. I will never get to see my daughter play with our friend's daughter; and I am angry. I will never again feel completely happy when I see those 2 blue lines for a BFP; and I am angry. I fear also that DH will never talk to me about the loss, and that it will be the elephant in the room that will doom our marriage; and I am angry.
I thought I was doing so well. I thought that I had been healing so well. Now I wonder if this is always how it will be? Will I always feel pretty good, only to be taken down by things like this?
I just never expected the anger. . .
My DH's best friend's wife is pregnant with their 1st child. She was only about 9 weeks ahead of me, and when we 1st found out I was pregnant my DH was thrilled that he and his BFF would have children the same age. I have been dilligently avoiding them ever since attending their wedding (on New Year's Eve) where she was 4 months pregnant, and no less than 10 guests asked when we would FINALLY have a baby. I've done a pretty good job I think, I avoided all but a glimpse at one ultrasound photo, and DH rarely brings up the topic.
I knew that she was due soon. I knew that we would be getting THAT phone call. I really really thought that I would be OK, or at least sort of OK. The phone call came yesterday morning just as I was heading out the door to the grocery store. My DH was on his cell and from his side of the conversation I gathered enough info to know that she had the baby. I didn't want to listen in on DH's conversation so I quickly left the room. I started to cry immediately and not only immense jealously, but this intense anger. This really suprised me; I didn't expect to feel so angry. I was ready for the sadness, even the jealousy, but not the overwhelming anger. My DH gets off the phone and says nothing to me about her having the baby, although it is clear to me that she did. This makes me more angry, that he is again avoiding the topic, I confront him. Before I can even think the words are tumbling out of my mouth. He says he wasn't keeping it from me, that he thought I knew. He said it so matter of factly, made it seem so inconsequentional; I am more angry now. I leave for the store and barely make it to the car before the tears come again. It's the 1st time I have avoided the baby aisle for 6 weeks.
When I get home DH is annoyed that the DIY project that he is working on in our dining room is not going well. I can't care about the project anymore. We started it when I found out I was pregnant; we wanted to get it done "before the baby" when we wouldn't have time. (Part of me wants the project finished; no more mess. And part of me wants it to go one forever; the next project was to be the baby's room.) He is very frustrated, he can't figure out how to fix it and after about 30 minutes of huffing and slamming he gives up. He goes to play xBox but gets stuck on a hard level and again the huffing and slamming. It's then, that exact moment, when I realized that he is also upset about the news from his friend. He is angry and hurt; yet I know that if I ask him if this is why he is upset I will get denials. And maybe it's true maybe he doesn't even know this is why he is upset (or maybe he isn't at all). I am angry again, because we never talk about our baby. He rarely acknowledges the loss, he has never even said the words. I say nothing and when he leaves the room I cry again.
We have a family dinner out every other week or so, as per his 93 year old grandma. She insists on going out even though the noise of most restaurants makes it impossible for her to hear anything. As we drive there is utter silence; the kind when there are so many unspoken things. DH grabs my hand and holds it as we drive, it is a small comfort. At dinner I am seated across from grandma, and end up being the only one she can hear or talk to. She asks about the friend's baby, and I can't find the words. She goes on and on about babies; and endless conversation to herself where I just nod to keep from losing it. She doesn't know about our loss, and although I can't really be angry I am annoyed that she just keeps going. She notices my memorial bracelet, and says it's pretty. She asks if I always had it; and I say no as I choke back tears. On the way home there is silence again; and again DH holds my hand.
I am so struck by the harsh reality of it all. Still now when I think about it I am jealous, sad, and so horribly angry. I will never get to see my daughter play with our friend's daughter; and I am angry. I will never again feel completely happy when I see those 2 blue lines for a BFP; and I am angry. I fear also that DH will never talk to me about the loss, and that it will be the elephant in the room that will doom our marriage; and I am angry.
I thought I was doing so well. I thought that I had been healing so well. Now I wonder if this is always how it will be? Will I always feel pretty good, only to be taken down by things like this?
I just never expected the anger. . .
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