Hard day in therapy yesterday...but positive outcomes

Today was a very hard day in therapy. Since my therapy session on Monday I have been working my ass off. Joanna said today that even if I get to 100 pounds and am following everything and working very hard, it still night be enough and I still might have to go somewhere. She also said that regardless of how I do, she still wants the whole family in for a session to get everyone on the same page.
Joanna also point blank told me that with everything I am doing, I am only focusing on myself and that I do not think how my actions and words affect anyone else. I do not take into consideration how others feel with everything I do. Everyone is tired of trying to help me, especially since I always say that I am going to change- I follow that for a week or so and then go back to my old ways. I told all this to my mother, father, carlos and alyssa yesterday and was honest by saying that I have not been trying. I said that I just haven't cared and that yes, I have not even thought about how it affects anyone else. They said they knew that and it was obvious that I was not trying.
Joanna said during our session that she doesn't think I will agree or follow through with an idea she had, but she said it anyways. She said it might be a good thing to ask Alyssa how my actions/words affect her. So...yesterday I asked everyone. Mom, Dad, Alyssa, and Carlos.
Prior to our session I had a very difficult conversation with my mom. I was waiting in Joanna's waiting room for my appointment at 1400. It became 1410 and she still had not come out, so I texted her saying 'it's 1410. Wasn't our session at 1400?' She responded with no, 1600. I broke down. I could not control my emotions. She walked in a few minutes later and said to me that she had it down as 1600. I disagreed and continued to argue and state my reasons. She asked me to come in for a minute so we could talk. Bottomline we weren't going to get anywhere if we kept trying to figure that out. I continued to ball my eyes out. Joanna then said, maybe I should be in the hospital since my emotions and everything are all over. I cried more. Regardless, I left and occupied my time until 1600. When I came back she said that yes, she was wrong and it was 1400. She said that she made a mistake and does not know why, but had a feeling that she mixed it up probably becuase she was frustrated by the emails I sent after the session on monday being so negative and saying that I couldn't eat more, etc. She said that she was frustrated and that it was becoming very difficult to get anywhere in therapy with my attitude like that.
Anyways back to the conversation with my mom, my mom said that I need to get a job and with a job I wouldn't have time to focus on my emotions etc and that I would be better off and not be so emotional. She also said that I am not productive etc. We talked about that in therapy too and I was upset regarding that. Joanna asked me why I was so against getting a job and why I didn't want to. I disagreed of course and kept saying excuses. Joanna went on to say that I was just making excuses and not taking responsibilty for the fact that I just didn't want to get a job.
Anyways...this is what I sent to Joanna last night in regards to asking my family how what i do/say affects them...
"Joanna,
I think this is important for you to know. I asked my mom, dad, Carlos, and Alyssa about how it makes them feel with how I act and say things to them, like you suggested. It's a huge eye opener that I should have done a long time ago.
Mom and Carlos simply just sad it hurts them that I don't see myself the way they do, that I don't care about myself, It frustrates them and angers them that I don't try. It really upsets and hurts them. They don't feel like I care about anything or anyone.
My sister responded to my call with text messages and was a real eye opener. Some I figured she would say, some words I felt were harsh, and yes it was really hard to read. But she is right. And I accept the fact that I make her feel that way.
Here is what she wrote: Well... I want to listen to you but when you say all this stuff about your life and then i don’t see you doing anything about it to make yourself better, like you don’t care, so why should i care? When you cry i can’t tell anymore if you're really upset or if it’s a pity game. And crying won’t solve anything; it’s a sign of immaturity. It makes me feel like i take on the big sister role when i want you to be my role model but you don’t care about yourself to even set a good example. This is my last summer here and i want the sister back in 6th grade who i would snuggle up with in bed who talked to me about us owning a bake shop together and all these cute ideas we had. I miss those carefree times when no drama was involved. I want you to take a look in the mirror and wake up. Make a life decision that it’s time to grow up. It’s time to get healthy, get your degree, but in order for you to take care of others, you first need to buck up and take care of yourself first. I don’t want you to die on me. I want to live old with you and be happy like when we were kids. That’s it.
I left a voicemail with my father but he has not called back yet.
This is not fair to any of them. I feel like I should have done this a long time ago. Asking everyone has really opened up my eyes. It actually reminds me of the show intervention when the interventionist brings the addicts family into a room and then the addict in. Then each member writes down how the addict’s behavior affects them.

I actually feel like this is a positive email. I surprised myself with following through with your suggestion. I am go f happy that I did this. I think I'm going to keep this email message in my phone so that I can read it often and not forget how it hurts everyone else.
This may not be right, but how does this affect you? I am sure my emails are frustrating and distressing to you. Also it must be frustrating and upsetting when I knock everything down and when I just don't listen.
I apologize for putting you through this I am going to consciously work on this. It's not fair to others to deal with this- I will change it!

Steff


So...just now I wrote down the positives that I have done yesterday and today...
1. Asked my family how my actions/words affect them and accepted responsibilty for what I put them through.
2. Have continued to follow Jill's meal plan precisely.
3. Looked for jobs and started creating cover letters.
4. Contacted the Philadelphia Parking Association regarding a ticket that I appealed and have not heard from when they said they would get back to me in 30 days. Additionally I received another notification saying that I owed more money because of a late fee now. I have putting this call off for weeks.
Off to see Jill in a little bit- worried about the whole getting weighed thing since I have been eating more. I feel like I should be at 100 already and am afraid of my reaction. But...i'm trying not to focus on that!
That's all for now folks!