happy thoughts
I wrote the following email to a couple of my friends back in LA:
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I’m in a waiting room at John’s Hopkins Imaging while one of the monastery’s residents gets an MRI.
This morning has me thinking about my own issues with feeling adequate or good and I’ve been looking to the other monastics for some reassurance.
Ultimately, I’m realizing I have to believe it myself to a certain extent. Not believe it with a sense of ego (at least for me) but to believe it in the sense that we are all human and so seeking affirmation and sometimes indeed the spotlight. We’re each flawed and so accepting that and resolving to do good works even still is helping me own my health and support a better outlook with a sense of commonality:-)!
Again I am reminded of J’s artwork with the words “You are enough” n neon light.
:-) keep smiling and keep shining! Have a great week ahead!! I hope things are good.
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Then J wrote back:
Good morning dear ones!
Are you saying I’m flawed ?
Well, that’s okay, cuz it is truuuuue.
I feel like I learn over and over again that we just have to prioritize the practices that leave us feeling more connected…Finding purpose in community, exercising, meditating…. Cuz WE ARE ENOUGH. I think the key is to take time to get clarity and to be nice to ourselves when we notice the flaws.
Sending you tons o good vibes
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I loved this piece of advice from her to remember those things that bring you happiness and good vibes
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while I drove the resident here to his MRI appointment - I was really struggling with down feelings.
But then I realized maybe I am looking for iconic imagery to satisfy my every whim along the way.
Mayybe I ought to relativize that tendency -
Maybe we're all struggling with light and dark forces within us too -
So perhaps I can just accept that 'this is my life' and will focus on the good stuff I can do
So perhaps I can just accept that 'this is my life' and will focus on the good stuff I can do
and not just the echoing, harassing notions that I am 'not all that' and the important thing is that
I have to give myself the attention I need.
I think that's probably been influencing my choices...so letting a little light in.
I especially liked my friend J's response that we all need to remember those things
that make us feel better and happier -
Replies
After writing this today, I really got in touch with what I want and the result was swinging to a mood extreme.
The mood - which I tried to accept unvarnished and yet also keep social real. really showed me how dark my
mood can swing. I want FREEDOM - I want to indulge myself. It seems as though when you have mental illness
like this (bipolar type sz) really is showing me that when you make one decision about treating your health -
your mood can swing to the opposite degree - a place that I cannot sustain.
So I guess what I am finding is that what I can do is remember to be self responsible - I have to make my life
viable. I may not be able to live life unfettered because of my handicap - I can though remember to take
care of myself, my finances, work and relationships the best I can. Keeping that common sense self responsible cap on.
my favorite measure of genius is, "they agree with me." j is a genius. you ARE enough, flaws and all. when i can leave my judge's robe in the closet, i often find that what i previously judged as, "flaws" are my clearest path to a more serene and tolerant outlook on life.
freedom? i'll go with kris kristofferson's take.
"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
"freedom ain't worth nothing, but it's free." (me and bobby mcgee)
of course, janis joplin has my favorite version of THAT song. a good song is worthy of many versions.
there's nothing common about sense. ~mark twain
Thanks Arfie!!
Here's to you moving through the path of healing with positive insights!
thanks Mid!