'Happy' (separated) anniversary to me
It's that time again, time for another of those painful milestones that just keep coming up with inexorable indifference to our pain. Today, Oct. 2nd, would have been our 9th wedding anniversary.
I'm trying to be smart about it and have taken the night off so I won't see him or the OW. And I have four friends that I'm going to go out with, someplace new that just opened a couple weeks ago so there's no old memories associated with it.Hopefully those things will help but I still expect it's going to be really hard and hope I don't break down completely. Heck, I can't even write this out without being unable to see the monitor because I have tears in my eyes. Stupid crying. :p
I know it in my head that there really isn't anything he could say that would help me deal with today. But to my heart it hurts so unbelievably much that he didn't say anything, not one word, about what today was. No apology, no regret, no sorrow, just...nothing. Every day it feels like he erases more of me because it feels like he is re-writing the past entirely so that we never existed at all. It makes me feel like a Who from Horton Hears a Who and I want to start screaming "I am here, I am here, I am here!" before he erases the last bit of me completely and I cease to be anything at all. I just don't understand at all how there could be so much... love, so much joy and happiness, so many dreams and plans. And all it took was four words from him to shatter that sweet illusion forever. I keep thinking it would be easier somehow if only either of them showed the least bit of guilt or pain or sorrow but maybe it wouldn't be. I don't know. I keep reading people talking about how they tried, how they fought, how they went to counseling, all to try to save their marriage. And while I feel sorry for them having to go through all of that, I can't help but feel resentful too. Because they at least GOT to do those things, they had at least the bare minimum of a chance to fight to keep their relationship. I never was given even that poor shred of comfort. There's no feeling of resolution, no feeling that at least I got to try my best. All I was given was a masterwork of lies and deception that everything was fine and good, that we were in love until that very last moment before he demolished everything. And when I begged and pleaded all he would say was that it was too late, that there was nothing to be done. He just didn't love me anymore and he loved her instead. Done. Finished. Shove a flaming sword of betrayal into my heart. It felt like being murdered. And really, it more or less was. Because the person that I was doesn't seem to exist anymore, and I don't know this despairing, weeping shell of what used to be a human being.
I know that come Thursday I'll start coming down from this emotional overload. And I'll manage to find my footing again. And I'll dust off my poor battered sense of self esteem. And start over again with re-building. But for right now, for today, that's just too much. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't tell where the surface of the water is.
I'm trying to be smart about it and have taken the night off so I won't see him or the OW. And I have four friends that I'm going to go out with, someplace new that just opened a couple weeks ago so there's no old memories associated with it.Hopefully those things will help but I still expect it's going to be really hard and hope I don't break down completely. Heck, I can't even write this out without being unable to see the monitor because I have tears in my eyes. Stupid crying. :p
I know it in my head that there really isn't anything he could say that would help me deal with today. But to my heart it hurts so unbelievably much that he didn't say anything, not one word, about what today was. No apology, no regret, no sorrow, just...nothing. Every day it feels like he erases more of me because it feels like he is re-writing the past entirely so that we never existed at all. It makes me feel like a Who from Horton Hears a Who and I want to start screaming "I am here, I am here, I am here!" before he erases the last bit of me completely and I cease to be anything at all. I just don't understand at all how there could be so much... love, so much joy and happiness, so many dreams and plans. And all it took was four words from him to shatter that sweet illusion forever. I keep thinking it would be easier somehow if only either of them showed the least bit of guilt or pain or sorrow but maybe it wouldn't be. I don't know. I keep reading people talking about how they tried, how they fought, how they went to counseling, all to try to save their marriage. And while I feel sorry for them having to go through all of that, I can't help but feel resentful too. Because they at least GOT to do those things, they had at least the bare minimum of a chance to fight to keep their relationship. I never was given even that poor shred of comfort. There's no feeling of resolution, no feeling that at least I got to try my best. All I was given was a masterwork of lies and deception that everything was fine and good, that we were in love until that very last moment before he demolished everything. And when I begged and pleaded all he would say was that it was too late, that there was nothing to be done. He just didn't love me anymore and he loved her instead. Done. Finished. Shove a flaming sword of betrayal into my heart. It felt like being murdered. And really, it more or less was. Because the person that I was doesn't seem to exist anymore, and I don't know this despairing, weeping shell of what used to be a human being.
I know that come Thursday I'll start coming down from this emotional overload. And I'll manage to find my footing again. And I'll dust off my poor battered sense of self esteem. And start over again with re-building. But for right now, for today, that's just too much. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't tell where the surface of the water is.
Replies
Feeling I so can relate to what you say above. That is very similar to what happend to me.. no sign.. no work on it.. I knew only for three weeks that there was even a problem.. then he was gone... take a look at my journals if you haven\'t our stories.. are very close...
I just spent my anniversary too.. Sept 14th.. I went for a bike ride with friends but listened to my nano the whole way... angry songs about love and just biked and biked and biked.. somehow it helped to get out the energy and the feelings at the same time..
I hope you find a good spot to get through this.. I am with you our hearts are linked for our shared experience.
Take care of yourself.. I\"m thinking of you..
You made it girl. I know it was hell, but Im proud of you. You made it through. Thanks for gabbing my ear off, JK, my throat kills today! You are totally worth it. :) So glad you are my friend. xxxxx
Hmm, next time I\'ll aim to take out your throat then instead of your ear (though you DO have two of those, you can spare one, right? ;) ). With your own \'hell day\' coming up quick, if you need a return of the favor, you only have to ask. Thank you so much for being there for me, I appreciate it more than I can ever express.
This, right here, is exactly to the \"t\", how I felt.
All I was given was a masterwork of lies and deception that everything was fine and good, that we were in love until that very last moment before he demolished everything. And when I begged and pleaded all he would say was that it was too late, that there was nothing to be done. He just didn\'t love me anymore and he loved her instead. Done. Finished. Shove a flaming sword of betrayal into my heart. It felt like being murdered. And really, it more or less was. Because the person that I was doesn\'t seem to exist anymore, and I don\'t know this despairing, weeping shell of what used to be a human being.
Change the gender and it would have been something I would have written.
Wow!
BlueKnight, get out of my life! It\'s sad enough for me to live through, you really don\'t want to be paralleling it. Then again, since yours happened first I guess maybe I\'m the one that should stop paralleling your life. ;)
I mean...night shifts, poetry, calligraphy, The Walking Dead... Seriously! LOL